(...Alors, avant je dire quelque chose sur ce post, ou le façon de ce post, laissez-moi vous raconter que mon esprit est en mille endroits différents en ce moment, et si vous pouvez entendre tout ce qui se passe là-haut, vous pourriez envisager sérieusement me mettre sur un type de médicament folle...)
So, hi. If you can read what was just posted above, I am proud of you, and we should speak French together sometime.
I'm not really sure if it's just the fact that it's winter quarter, and winter quarter has a tendency to make me a little bit more crazy than usual, or if I am really close to having a mental breakdown, (internally of course). Either way, this is not fun. This constant traffic jam that seems to be going on in my head that I have no idea how to stop. Here are some thoughts currently running through (and forming a cluster-fuck inside of) my head: I have always been one of those people who does the logical thing, the right thing to do at the time. I please people for a living. I have never been impulsive (because when I was it never ended well, but that was only with non-life changing things, like telling a middle school teacher to his face that his class sucked), never done anything that went against what my family expected, and still expects, of me (well besides join a church, get baptized, quit sports, and join choir, but let's not go there). But there's always been this little part of me that wishes I was more impulsive, that I wasn't so scared to take chances or do things and not care what other people think, because in the grand scheme of things, what other people think about my life just does not matter. Like to give an example of taking chances - I want to go back to Boston this spring because I feel comfortable spending the money to get there and back, and I shouldn't have to feel bad about it; but I do, because I let someone make me feel that way. I have my reasons for needing to go there as often as I do, and it's only important for me to know them, and I know them.
Anyway, as of recently I have been having all of little internal dilemmas of, excuse me, what the actual fuck am I going to do with my life? And, excuse me again, what the actual fuck am I doing with it right now? Tomorrow I meet with my French advisor to finalize some paperwork that will official declare me a French major, instead of History. I mean yeah that's a good thing, because I love the language, but yet for some reason I'm still not really satisfied with anything. I am supposed to study abroad in France next year, but I don't even know if I want to do that anymore. What is wrong with me? Aren't I supposed to want that?? Yes, yes I am! Yes, Erin you are, you are! But wait! No! Here, listen close and I'll let you in on a little secret! But I'm going to whisper so make sure you're really listening close. I actually know what I want but I can't exactly tell anyone or do anything about it. Isn't that fun? Do you want to know, do you want to know the story? I guess if I post it on here, I'm kind of telling people, but it's not the same thing as actually saying it out loud, or telling it to the people I try hardest to please. But here goes:
Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that at some point in my life I wanted to move to California. It was sunny there, there were a thousand things to do, and gosh darn it it was going to be my home. I knew that was exactly what I wanted until I was 17, when a couple of things happened. One, someone came into my life who made me never want to leave Oregon, and two, someone else who I look up to and love very much told everyone of this fantastic university that I just could not live without, that they could not live without. Let's go back to the part about pleasing people again, shall we. I think you can do the math. So around November of 2009, I let go of my little "insignificant" dream. I applied for early admission to the school of their dreams and got in, gave up on the application(s) for the school(s) of my dreams that I could have gotten into, and told myself that UCLA (and USC and Pepperdine and Occidental and LMU and Chapman) wasn't worth it anyway.Oh but they were; they were so, so worth it! What was I doing? What was I thinking? Why was I just giving up? At the time I didn't feel like I was giving anything up; I was doing the "right" thing. I mean hell, getting early admission to the school of their dreams made someone who is probably rarely proud of me pretty damn proud, so who the hell was I to mess that up? Life was great! Throughout the rest of my senior year, everyone seemed to know what I was doing and where I was going. I on the other hand, had no idea. A part of me wanted to again, stay in Oregon, which was probably just me being nervous about moving out of state for the first time, but then the other part of me was still desperately trying to hold on to what I now call just a pipe dream. No part of me really wanted what everyone else did. But then college started, I ended up making amazing friends who I still have today and wouldn't trade for the world, and had a good time for the most part; but where did my "pipe dream" do? And would I ever carry it with me again? I carry it with my every single day. But now what can I do?
I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I tend to be one of those people who will talk a big game (or rather, think a big game), and then not do anything about it. I think about all the things I could (and should) do, and my mind screams at me to do them, but I just can't. And God, I am so sick of that! I just want to scream all the time that this is not what I want and I just want to get out of here; here being this goddamn box that I seem to be living in! I am tired of writing things all the time that portray me in a positive light when I am really screaming inside. I am tired of telling everyone that everything is all fine and good when in fact it is far from it. Nothing is ever completely fine. I am never completely fine. I am tired.
Et je suis fini.
~Erin
(...Before I say anything related to what this post is actually supposed to be about, let me just throw out there that my mind is in a thousand different places right now, and if you could hear everything that's going on up there, you might strongly consider putting me on some sort of crazy medication...)
I'm not really sure if it's just the fact that it's winter quarter, and winter quarter has a tendency to make me a little bit more crazy than usual, or if I am really close to having a mental breakdown, (internally of course). Either way, this is not fun. This constant traffic jam that seems to be going on in my head that I have no idea how to stop. Here are some thoughts currently running through (and forming a cluster-fuck inside of) my head: I have always been one of those people who does the logical thing, the right thing to do at the time. I please people for a living. I have never been impulsive (because when I was it never ended well, but that was only with non-life changing things, like telling a middle school teacher to his face that his class sucked), never done anything that went against what my family expected, and still expects, of me (well besides join a church, get baptized, quit sports, and join choir, but let's not go there). But there's always been this little part of me that wishes I was more impulsive, that I wasn't so scared to take chances or do things and not care what other people think, because in the grand scheme of things, what other people think about my life just does not matter. Like to give an example of taking chances - I want to go back to Boston this spring because I feel comfortable spending the money to get there and back, and I shouldn't have to feel bad about it; but I do, because I let someone make me feel that way. I have my reasons for needing to go there as often as I do, and it's only important for me to know them, and I know them.
Anyway, as of recently I have been having all of little internal dilemmas of, excuse me, what the actual fuck am I going to do with my life? And, excuse me again, what the actual fuck am I doing with it right now? Tomorrow I meet with my French advisor to finalize some paperwork that will official declare me a French major, instead of History. I mean yeah that's a good thing, because I love the language, but yet for some reason I'm still not really satisfied with anything. I am supposed to study abroad in France next year, but I don't even know if I want to do that anymore. What is wrong with me? Aren't I supposed to want that?? Yes, yes I am! Yes, Erin you are, you are! But wait! No! Here, listen close and I'll let you in on a little secret! But I'm going to whisper so make sure you're really listening close. I actually know what I want but I can't exactly tell anyone or do anything about it. Isn't that fun? Do you want to know, do you want to know the story? I guess if I post it on here, I'm kind of telling people, but it's not the same thing as actually saying it out loud, or telling it to the people I try hardest to please. But here goes:
Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that at some point in my life I wanted to move to California. It was sunny there, there were a thousand things to do, and gosh darn it it was going to be my home. I knew that was exactly what I wanted until I was 17, when a couple of things happened. One, someone came into my life who made me never want to leave Oregon, and two, someone else who I look up to and love very much told everyone of this fantastic university that I just could not live without, that they could not live without. Let's go back to the part about pleasing people again, shall we. I think you can do the math. So around November of 2009, I let go of my little "insignificant" dream. I applied for early admission to the school of their dreams and got in, gave up on the application(s) for the school(s) of my dreams that I could have gotten into, and told myself that UCLA (and USC and Pepperdine and Occidental and LMU and Chapman) wasn't worth it anyway.
I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I tend to be one of those people who will talk a big game (or rather, think a big game), and then not do anything about it. I think about all the things I could (and should) do, and my mind screams at me to do them, but I just can't. And God, I am so sick of that! I just want to scream all the time that this is not what I want and I just want to get out of here; here being this goddamn box that I seem to be living in! I am tired of writing things all the time that portray me in a positive light when I am really screaming inside. I am tired of telling everyone that everything is all fine and good when in fact it is far from it. Nothing is ever completely fine. I am never completely fine. I am tired.
Et je suis fini.
~Erin
(...Before I say anything related to what this post is actually supposed to be about, let me just throw out there that my mind is in a thousand different places right now, and if you could hear everything that's going on up there, you might strongly consider putting me on some sort of crazy medication...)
I wouldn't put you on crazy medication. Or would I?
ReplyDeleteJust do what you want girl, and if that is going to France, which I assume that it is considering the whole major change... then do it. Don't be scared or coerced by some d-bags that no nothing about who you are or what you need from life. Then remember what Ashley would do. WWAD? <--- Because I am the model of impulsivity, at least most of the time.
<3 Ashley