Gratituesday.

So for awhile I have been following this person on Twitter who does this thing every Tuesday called "Gratituesday" - get it, like Gratitude + Tuesday...yeah, I thought it was clever too - and she does it to help her keep a positive outlook on life. I really like it. Anyway, she mentioned it again today (obviously, because today is Tuesday), which gave me the idea of doing the same thing, but on my blog instead. Basically, on every Tuesday you just mention/talk about something you are grateful for, whether it be for something constant in your life, or for a little thing that just happened on that particular day. And I had to agree with this fellow Twitter-person, it does really seem like a really good way to help keep a positive outlook on life :) And thus begins my weekly "Gratituesday" list!

1. Jumpstart

This Tuesday, I am particularly grateful for my job with Jumpstart at FAME (First African Methodist-Episcopal Church) Preschool, allowing me to work with adorable (but sometimes rambunctious) 3-5 year olds. I first started working for Jumpstart at the beginning of the 2010-2011 school year (September), because honestly I really needed the money (the job had me working 10-12 hours per week, which was pretty good for a full-time student), and I had always known that I at least liked kids. I had no idea then just how attached I would eventually become, and how much I would grow to love kids. To give it a simple definition, Jumpstart is essentially a government-funded organization that allows for college students to come into a pre-approved preschool classroom, with kids generally from low-income or "disadvantaged" families if you will, twice a week and help them to better themselves in reading, writing, and developmental skills. Usually there will be four to five Jumpstart students per group, and there is one group per classroom. In my case currently, there are a total of four students (including me) who go in together. Actually, I think last year was the same as well...four students including me I mean. This is currently my second school year working with Jumpstart; last year I worked at a school called Tiny Tots, down in Renton, which was somewhat of a commute from downtown Seattle (especially when compared to FAME which is on Capitol Hill, about six blocks from where I live, also on Capitol Hill), but no matter.

Anyway, I thought listing Jumpstart as my very first "Gratituesday" entry was very appropriate. Like I said before, I had absolutely no idea just how much of an affect all of these little 3-5 year olds would have on me. Not only are they adorable, but they're just all so happy all the time, and believe it or not, I think they actually teach me more than I teach them. Yes, I may go through reading and writing exercises with them bi-weekly, but in the end it is them who show me how to be a better person, and how to treat others with respect, regardless of anything. Every time I walk into that classroom and see all of their little faces smiling up at me and then receive numerous hugs, all of the excess stress in my life just disappears, because for some reason it no longer matters. Even if I am stressed to the max, what with school and choir and everything, it all goes away once one little munchkin comes up to me and puts her head in my lap, or laughs with me (lately though with one of my four-year-olds, the cause of said laughter is from the constant tickle wars that go on between the two of us...she started it...).

This job has also taught me a lot about myself, and about the things I want later in life. I had never before in my life ever considered becoming a teacher, because I never thought I was really the "teaching" type. Although I think that thought could have come from this one time when I tutored a girl in high school for geometry, and she told me I wasn't doing a very good job...but hey, it wasn't my fault the girl couldn't figure out how to figure out the degree of the third angle of a triangle, when everyone and their mother knows that a triangle adds up to 180 degrees, and if the first two angles are given, then you just add them together and subtract from 180 to get the third angle, duh. Okay I'm getting off-track. What I meant to say is that working for Jumpstart has really allowed me to reconsider what I want to do with my life; granted, I still don't think about teaching very much, but now whenever I do, it's not quite as painful. Thanks to Jumpstart, I know just how much joy little kids give me, and I finally am able to understand that feeling of complete pride when you see your little four-year-old write his name for the first time. It's just great, and if any of you ever have the chance to work for a program as great as this one, go for it. Like Nike says, just do it. It's such an amazing and gratifying experience.

Happy "Gratituesday" people!

~Erin

P.S. Yes I do realize that this post is extremely ironic when in contrast to my previous one. Whatever.

Some things I just do not understand.

Judgmental people.

Close-minded people.

And Philosophy homework.

Yes, I realize that the last of these issues is minuscule compared to the other two, but still.

Basically, I saw this picture on my Facebook news feed the other day, and had to resist a very strong urge to break a door, or give this person a piece of my mind. So I'm just going to rant about it now, because this is my blog and I really need to get this out of my system. And for the record, no I am not going to advertise this post on Facebook just in case certain people find it controversial, or have an issue with it. If I offend someone reading this, I am truly very sorry, it wasn't my intention. I just want to talk for a little bit, and mind you, none of the examples I provide below refer to my life in any way, they're just examples. Anyway, here we go. The picture:

It's like, I get it, you're anti-abortion, and that's totally fine with me. Such is your right. But you do not, and I mean do NOT get to post something like this on Facebook and expect it to be okay. Yes, I understand that it is your Facebook page and you should be able to post what you want, but when you go about flaunting an issue such as this without providing an explanation behind your opinion, that's where I draw the line. You have absolutely no idea what people who have been put in the situation of needing/wanting an abortion have been through; you are a close-minded overly conservative Christian who has no idea what it's like for other people out there who maybe, oh I don't know, don't lead as charmed of a life as you. There are people out there who have been raped or violated, or who are just not ready to be parents and do not believe that they could safely bring a child into the world and raise them they way they deserve to be raised. In situations like the ones I just mentioned above, having an abortion should not be completely out of the question.

"No woman wants an abortion as she wants an ice cream cone or a Porsche. She wants an abortion as an animal caught in a trap wants to gnaw off its own leg." - Frederica Mathewes-Green



Here's a little scientific fact for you, just off the record: Until a fetus (yes fetus, not baby) reaches viability within a woman's uterus, what that woman does with her body is her decision.

"We really need to get over this love affair with the fetus and start worrying about the children." - Joycelyn Elders


"No woman can call herself free who does not own and control her body. No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether she will or will not be a mother." - Margaret Sanger


A nonviable fetus, I do not believe, is a life. Yes, I understand that many people probably feel differently on that issue. However, I also believe that one day, said nonviable fetus will become viable, become a life, and once it does, abortion should no longer be considered as an option. Any creature that is at the time capable of living outside of the mother's body should not be terminated; that is inhumane.


"The line between lawful and unlawful abortion will be marked by the fact of having sensation and being alive." - Aristotle


So, you who posted the picture, answer me this: would you rather someone have a child that they became pregnant with by a rape, or have a child that they were unable to raise in a stable environment, and then allow the child to suffer? What if that child were to spend it's entire life enduring pain, hunger, poverty, abuse, and again suffering? Does any human deserve to go through that kind of life? NO they do not. Abortion is not that black and white, and it does NOT MAKE SOMEONE A MURDERER.

"I have met thousands and thousands of pro-choice men and women. I have never met anyone who is pro-abortion." - Hillary Clinton


God, I get angry just contemplating that thought. No, I have not personally been in a situation where I have had to seriously consider an abortion, but I know that were I one of those people in the examples I previously mentioned, I would probably not keep it out of the question. And yes, for any of you who were curious, I am a Christian. I believe in God, I believe that babies are miracles, and I believe that each life created should be cherished and lived to the fullest. I am not, however, close-minded to the extent where I would judge and hiss at someone who does not feel as though they are capable of carrying and/or raising a child. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for many other Christians out there, for people like you. I just hope that one day people can learn to open their eyes.


"One method of destroying a concept is by diluting its meaning. Observe that by ascribing rights to the unborn, i.e., the nonliving, the anti-abortionists obliterate the rights of the living." - Ayn Rand


Sit with that, will you.

~Erin

Today is just one of those days.

Where everything is just off, and weird; where my mind just equals:

I think I've sort of hit that point in the term where the work (and everything else) just seems to be never-ending, literally. Let me give you an example: On MWF, I have both my Philosophy class and my French class, and on TTh, I have both work and my History class, (and keep in mind that a midst all of this there are also choir rehearsals on all of these days). So, the homework strategy that I came  up with in order to handle this, naturally, was to do work for Phil. and French on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and then the work for History on Mondays and Wednesdays. Of course, I left out Fridays, but who does homework on Fridays anyway? Ha. You would think that my genius little homework strategy would work, right? Wrong. As it turns out, assigning massive amounts of reading each day is all of my professors' favorite thing to do, and by massive I mean 50-100 pages a week. Thus, it would be wise to do little bits of it each night that you have to do it. Well, do I have time for that? Why no I do not. I am taking three classes that all focus on both reading and writing, and I sing in choir, and I have a job. I do not have time to just sit around and do homework all day. Gah. Yeah okay, I know this is college, but still...gah. But you know, sometimes I kind of wish I had time to sit around and do homework all day; I mean I would probably get bored after a while of not having any extra curricular activities, but honestly some days when I see my roommate (who I love to death, by the way, and I mean this in the most loving way possible) just settling down to take a nap when I'm running from choir rehearsal to work and then to class again, all the while trying to squeeze in food somewhere in there, I kind of just want to break a door.

In my mind, when I see her napping she's like this:

And then I'm like this:

But such is the life of a busy 19-year-old.

Today, however, was weird in the sense that again, my brain is doing weird things. I had to stay up extremely late last night (trust me, you don't want to know - let's just say the roosters woke up not long after I fell asleep), reading Descartes for Philosophy, so when it was actually time to get up later in the morning for the actual Philosophy class, I physically could not do it. My reaction: refer to previous picture. Long story short, I ended up emailing my prof. saying I had a headache and couldn't make it into class, because let's face it, with the little amount of sleep I got it wouldn't be long until one of my headaches settled in anyway. So right away my day was off to an "off" start. I ended up getting out of bed at around 10am (so that gave me around 6 hours of sleep) and made it out the door just in time for my French class. Now, that class is almost always amazing. I love my prof, and the other students in the class, but I don't know, I still didn't feel right being in there. It was kind of like I was there, but I wasn't really there. And no, that was not because of my overly tired-ness, or of my headache that did, as I had predicted, end up settling in. I just couldn't stop thinking about all of the things that I needed to do, and needed to finish either by tomorrow, or the next day, or the next month [and then I had to resist the urge not to have a panic attack]. Every so often I would stop and say something to my prof. just to show that I was still among the living, but that was not often. Basically the extent of my longest conversation with her was this:

Holly: "Et toi, Erin, ça va?

Erin: "Comme ci comme ça...je suis stressé..."

Holly: "Oh, pourquoi est-ce que tu es stressé?"

Erin: "PARCE QUE J'AI BEAUCOUP DE DEVOIRS ET PAS BEAUCOUP DE TEMPS POUR LE FAIRE."

Yes, it was incredibly enlightening; I didn't really yell at her though, in this case the caps lock merely stands for exasperation (which doesn't normally happen to me in French class...again, off). Oh, and then at some point during class, my deskmate and I held a conversation about who was more stressed, us or a politician. Don't ask me how that came up, but needless to say we came to the conclusion that we were more stressed. Then later in the day, right before the start of choir rehearsal, I was standing outside the door to the practice room and my Alto I section leader came up to me and started talking, but then stopped mid-sentence and said "Oh my gosh you are so falling asleep right now! Do you want to go home??" Apparently my eyelids were involuntarily drooping...but alas, I proceeded to say, "Noo, I have some stuff to do after this, so I couldn't really go to bed anyways..." But ugh how I wanted to. Not that I didn't want to rehearse, because I actually like a couple of the songs we're working on, but my bed sounded so inviting. Ah well. I had already missed my first class, no need to be too rebellious in one day. 

Once school was finally over, I seriously thought I was about to pass out, which I'm sure some of you are thinking was weird because my day actually doesn't sound too strenuous in writing. I think it was more a combination of the classes, the fact that I stayed up too late last night, and then the fact that I had (and still kind of have) a shit-ton of History reading to do for tomorrow, and stuff to do for work tomorrow. Oh, and then there's that other thing that I can't talk about yet, but will eventually. I would elaborate more, but let's just say for now that it's something I'm doing that's school-related, and involves an extra application, complete with some extra stuff that's extra stressful. Merrrrhhhhhgg. (I actually just made that sound out loud right now). 

And to end the day on a high note, I ran into a tree on my way home from the gym this evening; yes, I go to the gym because I am currently under the impression that running can help with my stress (...HA!). It was sure swell. Goodnight people. 

~Erin

Letting go.

It's one of the hardest things in the world to do, especially when you don't want to do it. It's one of those things that continuously pokes at both your head and your heart, never allowing you to decide which hurts the most. In your head, you know that the sensible thing to do is just to let go - to allow yourself to understand that whatever it is that you're holding onto, just isn't worth it anymore, that the pain just isn't worth it anymore. Your head is logical, and is the one part of your body that can always tell you what is the right thing to do. But your heart, your heart is the one part of your body that always seems to want to disagree. It tells you what you need, and that thing that you need may not always logical. In fact, it can be the most illogical thing in the world, but the fact is that you need it. In your heart, you still know that the sensible thing to do would be to just let go, but you also know that if you were to let go, you would never fully heal.

Lately, the issue of letting go has been plaguing me greatly, taking it's toll on my own head, and my own heart. And it's painful; it's so, so painful. It is, as I have mentioned in a previous post, my issue of caring too much, of putting too much of my heart and soul into a relationship that is clearly not reciprocated. I tell myself that the sensible thing to do is to just let go, to free myself of the constant empty feeling in my chest. But here's the thing, I really do not know if I'm strong enough. If I'm strong enough to just forget and move on. So here's a question for you people, how do you do it? Do you listen to your logical head, or your needy heart? Which one is better? Because if I listen to my logical head, I feel as though my heart will not agree. But if I listen to my needy heart, and allow myself to keep being swallowed up by memories, I feel as though I will certainly go crazy. And crazy is just, well...crazy.

And I don't have time to be crazy. I just want to be ok.


~Erin

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts


I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok


Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts


I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

Seattle snowpocalipse.

Last night, my roommate Lauren and I prayed for a snow day today, like literally prayed to the Snow Gods, whatever those are. When we went to bed at around midnight, there was almost no snow. None. Well, there was some, but it was melting to say the least. And thanks the bipolar weather reports we had been hearing throughout the week, we had gotten word that either nothing was going to happen, or some insane blizzard-like storm was supposed to hit the city today and incapacitate almost everyone. So we were extremely confused. What on earth was going to happen?! Well.

*3:30am Wednesday, in the middle of the night*


Lauren: *wakes up, sits up in bed, puts on glasses and looks out the window* "There's no snow!"
Me: *wakes up from Lauren's talking* "Nope, no there's not!" 
Lauren: "Zzzzzzz..."
Me: "...shit there's no snow. I have to be up in four hours." 

So after that little scene that Lauren now has no recollection of, I was convinced that nothing was going to happen. Today was just going to be another cold-as-snot day where I had to get up early and go to three classes back to back to back. Ugh. Little did I know, I was wrong. Dun dun dunnnn...

Today in Seattle it snowed a grand total of six inches. Six inches. What the actual fuck? I mean, not that I'm complaining, but honestly I don't think I have ever experienced that much snow all at one time (and yes I realize that everyone who lives in like, Alaska or Colorado would probably be laughing in my face for saying that). But seriously, when I woke up to my alarm at 8am in order to get ready for my first class, all I could think was "Ughhh I don't wanna do this, I just want it to snowwww!" Then however, I look over to the other side of the room and lo and behold there was Lauren, sound asleep in her bed; this made me think, "Hmm...Lauren normally has a class that starts at 8am on Wednesdays, DOES THIS MEAN WE HAVE A SNOW DAY?!" I then proceeded to look out the window and noticed the (again) six inches of snow on the ground. Now, based on how I have been writing this blog post so far, you would think that I would just jump right out of bed in excitement, run over to the window and start drooling like a little kid, but actually I did no such thing. Literally all I did was roll over and fall back asleep until 11am. What a glorious morning.

Once Lauren and I actually decided to get up, we, along with our third roommate Arielle, met up with four of our other friends and basically frolicked the entire afternoon and into the evening. And believe me when I tell you, frolicking in the snow actually takes a lot more energy than one would think. I am beat, and it's not even that late yet. Odd for me, really. Anyway, it's actually pretty amazing to see the crazy things that college students will do once their classes get cancelled because of the weather. For example, the entirety of the Seattle University campus is basically a hill, (go figure since we live downtown in the community of Capitol Hill), so once the city decided to close one of the steep [main] streets that splits through the middle of campus, some students decided it would be a good idea to go sledding.

Yeah, sledding, in the street. Technically, doing that kind of stuff is considered illegal, but when you're in college you're immune to that kind of thing right? Ha. Well, not only were people sledding in the main streets, but they were also sledding down the hill in front of the library,

and building igloos

and giant Totoros with the snow.

Needless to say it was interesting. Here however, are some pictures of what I did with my day.

(L to R, Shelby, Arielle)

(L to R, Shelby, Andre, Lauren; Andre is looking at me like that I think because I had just pelted him with a giant snowball...) 

(The Quad)

(L to R, Andre, Lauren, Arielle, Shelby, Me) 

(Administration building; a lot of classrooms are in here) 

(Chapel of St. Ignatius and a very frozen Reflection Pool)

And let me introduce to you for your viewing pleasure, Herbert (Herbie for short) the snowman:

(Arielle)

(L to R, Lauren, Arielle)

(L to R, Lauren, Jill)

 (Herbie!)

(L to R, Lauren, Joe, Nick, Shelby, Arielle, Jill)

(Sad Herbie?)

(Joe comforting sad Herbie)

Isn't he just so handsome? I sure think so. And just an fyi, in the last couple of pictures, the stick going across his face is supposed to be a mustache, not a frown despite popular belief. Sadly though, Herbie didn't make it to the end of the day. My guess was that some assholes came by and knocked him down for no reason at all, but my friends, being the optimistic individuals that they are, thought that rather he just fell over. Regardless of which option was true however, this is what became of poor Herbie the snowman:

(Butt)

(Head)

I don't even want to know what happened to the torso. It was just so tragic...Herbie was one of a kind. RIP.

Later on in the evening, we decided it would be fun to go on another midnight walk in the snow, and this time I didn't even have to hobble! (Story on that in a bit). We took some really good pictures and just generally had a lot of laughs. Oh, and this walk was when we found both the igloo and the Totoro (both were behind the Administration building). Here's my favorite picture of the whole walk, I think:

(The Lower Mall)

Either that or this one:

(Back of the Admin. building)

Or this one:

I really can't decide. Everything here is just so pretty, and the snow just increases that ten-fold. Anyway, enough with the pictures. I will now tell you the story of my non-hobbling. For those of you who read my last entry about the long weekend spent in Olympia, you would know that I did in fact injure both of my knees on the ice while getting off a train Sunday night. Well, on Monday afternoon I decided that since I was still in a fair amount of pain, I would go up to the Swedish Medical Center ER, which is right up the hill from school. My friend Andre ended up coming with me (which I was actually very, very grateful for), and once I got all checked in, we sat in the waiting room for about 50 minutes before I was called back. We then decided that it would be best for me to go back alone, and Andre would just meet up with me once I was discharged, in case I had to go in for x-rays or do anything else that would take up a lot of time. Honestly, hospitals are NOT my favorite places in the world, and the thought of being alone in a strange ER was kind of daunting, but I managed. 

Once the nurse took me to my room and had me change into a gown, I was then informed that I would in fact, need x-rays to make sure nothing was broken. I didn't really think anything was since I could still kind of walk, but you never know. Anyway, the guy who ended up taking care of my x-rays was really, and I mean really weird. I mean he was very nice, but I don't know, there was just something about him...like if he needed me to move like a half an inch, he would apologize to me like it was the greatest deal in the world. Like I said, very nice, but really, it's not like I was screaming in agony here. The x-rays all together didn't take too long, but the waiting for the results on the other hand, took about an hour. The doctor then proceeded to come in to inform me that nothing was broken (told you so), and do some tests to check that nothing was torn either. Now, I didn't know this, but apparently if you smack your knees hard enough on something, you can actually tear ligaments, like the ACL even. Fascinating stuff really, but lucky for me, nothing was torn either. Basically I left the hospital with nothing but really, really, really nasty bad bruising (which caused the swelled-up goose-egg things), a prescription for Vicodin (relax people, I've only taken a pill and a half over a two-day span, but oh my gosh, that stuff works), and a slight inability to walk normally for a few days. Oh, and a referral to an Orthopedic specialist if things didn't get better within the next few days (which ended up not being an issue). Tout allait bien et bon. But I think in the future I will avoid the taking and getting off of trains when it's icy...

Happy snow day everyone!

~Erin

P.S. One positive that did come out of going to the hospital, however, was getting this sweet new bracelet ;)

Long weekend. Long blog post.

This weekend was...so many things. Fantastic, good, relaxing, stressful, horrible, and very thought-filled. Believe me when I tell you, it is very difficult to go through almost all of the points on the emotional spectrum over the span of a couple of days. Actually, it's like...exhausting. Anyway, let's just start from the beginning, shall we.

Friday:
Commence thought-filled portion of weekend - I got up and very reluctantly went to school. I was supposed to go down to Olympia to visit family later that evening, and honestly I was so excited to go and see everyone that I really just didn't want to be anywhere that had anything remotely to do with a classroom. But I went anyway because I'm a good kid, and for it being "Friday the 13th," it actually wasn't that bad of a day. I got an A on my pop quiz in Philosophy (I still say f**k you, Plato), and by some miracle the quiz that was scheduled to happen in my French class got cancelled. Well actually that was because my prof.'s daughter got an ear infection, which is really sad because her daughter is adorable, but still...her ear had good timing on my part. Anyway, once I got done with choir at 2pm, it was finally time to unwind and pack for the two nights I would spend at my aunt's house in Olympia. Yeah let's review that sentence again..."Anyway, once I got done with choir at 2pm, it was finally time to unwind...unwind...unwind..." In all actuality, this unwinding never really happened. As soon as I got back to my room, I called my mother. Now normally when I call my mother it's very pleasant conversation; her and I don't really fight about much of anything, except when it involves me driving long distances, she's weird about that. Except this time, it wasn't so pleasant. She informed me of the fact that I got rehired to work at Yellowstone National Park again next summer. (Insert creative sentence that makes creating a new paragraph a little less awkward). Story time!

For those of you who know me (or have read this blog...), you know that I spent last summer working in the Grant Village area of Yellowstone National Park. As I have said before, working there really wasn't all that bad. I made a handful of friends who I still talk to today, and thoroughly enjoyed my job(s). But regardless of that, I had a lot of issues last summer. Not only was I almost 1,000 miles away from home with no foreseeable way of getting back, meaning I didn't have a car or money to fly so I was essentially "stranded," (or at least that's how my mind interpreted it), but it was really hard to be away from my friends and family for so long, especially during time that was meant to be spent with them. I missed my best friends from Eugene (who I didn't see so much during the school year) all so much, and I missed my mom. Of course I had dealt with the feelings of missing people when I went off to college my freshman year, but it was never that bad I guess, because I really clicked with a lot of people at school. And in Seattle it's not that hard to go home for a weekend, or have someone come up and visit you. Also it gets harder and harder to miss people because there's so much to do and so much going on around you that you just kind of get lost in the mix. When your out in the middle of nowhere however, the feelings all sink in and eat at your heart like some kind of parasite.

The thing that really hurt the most though, and mind you I am a little weary about writing this, was the fact that last summer, the summer of 2011, was the one summer in I think seven years that my aunt and cousins (who live in Michigan) came to visit us all in Oregon. I'm not blaming them for anything here because honestly flying places is uber-expensive and my parents and I aren't exactly fantastic about going to visit them either. But yes, they came to visit the first week of August-ish, which is ironically, my birthday week (my birthday is August 5th, in case you were dying to know). It was unbelievably hard, knowing that I was in Yellowstone and they were in Eugene, and there was nothing I could do about it. And my mom, I think unknowingly, was not really helping the situation either. She would call me or I would call her, and she would be on a day trip with the whole family either to Sisters or to the coast. Or I would see pictures on Facebook of the family together without me. Honestly, I miss my aunt and cousins so much and really wish I was able to know them better. We haven't seen each other in seven/eight years now and it's horrible. Horrible. I was so happy that they were able to make the trip out to Oregon because they deserved it, but for me it was just hard. And then there would be people who told me that I "made the choice" to move to Wyoming for the summer, so any pain I felt was self-inflicted; I'm sorry if I needed to make money to be able to do things like get an education, and I didn't really have a lot of other options. Ugh.

So yeah, I got rehired to go back out to the Wild Wild West that is Wyoming next summer, to work as a Server Assistant in the Old Faithful Inn Dining Room. I really really wanted to work at OFI last summer, but didn't get placed there, so this year I am doing some serious debating in my head about going back. I large part of me just wants to spit at the application and say no, I am not doing this internal emotional roller coaster again, no matter how much my wallet may hurt at the end of the summer. But then the small part that's left over says to go for it, that I've always wanted to have the experience of working at OFI, and that I could make good money, which in the long run would get rid of a lot of stress in my life. So I don't know. I don't know yet what I'm going to do. The point is that I got rehired, and I have a choice to make. A very emotionally invested choice.

But it doesn't really help that OFI is absolutely wonderful and gorgeous:

(Front view)

(Interior)

(More interior)

(Dining Room)

Saturday:
Commence fantastic portion of weekend - first full day spent in Olympia. I ended up meeting up with my aunt the evening before at around 7pm, and we went to dinner at this restaurant by the water in Tacoma that was so delicious I think my taste buds had an orgasm party. My aunt and I actually spent most of Saturday being somewhat productive with work, homework, a necessary shopping trip [which for me had to include Forever 21 and the buying of two blouses], picking up dinner, going to a movie with grandma, and then eating dinner with the grandparents. For those of you who were wondering, we saw Joyful Noise, and it was amazing. Oh my gosh, who would have thought that so much talent could be packed into a two-hour film? I now have the biggest obsession with Gospel music ever and I don't even care. It's so...ahh I can't even think of a word for it, free I guess. Like you just let loose and really sing. I wish my choir would do more music like that...like the kind of stuff that just sets you free. So go see this movie:

You won't regret it. I promise. Anyway, Saturday was just a really good day, and I was able to get away from all of the little pesky things I am stressed about. I love my family. Oh! And it snowed that night. Here's a picture of my aunt's street at about 1am (Sunday morning):

Sunday:
Commence stressful portion of weekend - I spent basically the entire afternoon sitting and either reading for my Japanese history class, or working on this pesky application that I will not talk about what for until much, much later on. Needless to say, neither of those things were particularly easy. For my Japanese history class, I'm supposed to have by next Thursday my topic picked out for my 12-15 page research paper due at the end of the term, and as of right now I am still having issues with what to pick. There are just so many options! I think what I'm leaning the most towards the most though is a focus on the blind peoples of 17th century Tokugawa Japan, and the groups they formed, and the ways in which they went against greater powers, like the government. Hmm...sound good? I don't really know yet. As for the application, it's a supplement consisting of three questions that one would think would be easy. Not so much. I don't know if it's just me, but it seems like the college-related questions that ask you about yourself are always the hardest to answer, because you want to be thorough, truthful, and portray yourself in a positive light, but you also don't want to come off as having a big head. It's kind of a Catch-22 if you ask me. Anyway, I managed to finish the first two questions (after two freaking hours), but I'm still working on the third. Here's what it is:

3. Identify and describe a personal habit or idiosyncrasy - of any nature - that helps define you.


Well fuck if I know. I mean, I have a tendency to gnaw at my right thumbnail, does that count? Could that define me as a person? ...don't answer that. But seriously, how do I answer something like that? I really don't have any special habits that set me apart from the masses. I eat normally, I sleep just about as much as the average college student, and I don't do any weird rituals or anything before classes. I asked a few people about this question today and most of them told me pretty much the same thing - that I should write about how loyal I am, or passionate, or determined, or caring, etc etc etc. And I mean those are all good things, but I feel like those are the things everyone else is going to write about too, and I would like to maintain some sort of individuality throughout this process. Maybe I'll write something about my musicality; I was kind of toying with that idea earlier, like writing about how music/singing shapes my life, and how I use it as a stress reliever and to help me study, and how I associate specific songs with specific memories, regardless of whether or not the lyrics are appropriate for said memory. I don't know. I'll let you know when I get that question down though.

In the evening, it was finally time to leave Olympia and go back up to Seattle. Naturally, I decided to take the train. Normally I have no issue with trains, I love trains, I worship trains, (okay not really, just dramatic effect here), but this particular train that I had to deal with that night, was awful. First, it was over two hours late which in itself stressed me out. Granted, that was in part due to the weather since it has been snowing like crazy here in western Washington for the past couple days, but still. There were other factors involved, like the train just generally not being on time. Once I got on, after sitting in the station with my poor aunt who so graciously waited with me for two hours, it was pretty smooth sailing to Seattle. We got in at around 10:45pm (we were supposed to get in at 8:45pm), and it had finally stopped snowing in the city. Said snow however, did not thaw out. No, who would have thought that after it snows and then drops down below freezing, snow turns to ice? Wowza! So what did I do as I was getting off the train, why I took one step onto the little step that's connected to the car to "help" you get down, slipped, and completely biffed it, with bags and all. (And mind you I had a small suitcase, a purse, and a heavy backpack on my back with all my schoolwork). I fell straight forward and luckily stuck my hands out to avoid hitting my head on the concrete, but sadly slammed my poor knee caps right into it instead, thus forcing them to take the full impact. It HURT SO BAD (the right more so than the left). But as I was in the middle of a train station I told myself I would buck up and not start sobbing in front of hundreds of people who were apparently already staring. Luckily there was no breaking of bones involved in this fall, but now I do indeed have three or four very large red goose-egg looking things on my knees and it hurts to both bend them or keep them entirely straight, and I can't really walk correctly at the moment. So that's fun. I think I will meander (and/or hobble) up to the ER in the near future to have an actual doctor look at them, because those bumps are starting to freak me out. And I'm still in pain, which is never a good sign. Sigh...I really really do not like hospitals, they give me the willies. Anyway, yeah Sunday was kind of a stressful day. Homework, applications, transportation failures, and injuries. Dang, I really think Sunday should have been my Friday the 13th...maybe now I should always fear Sunday the 15th. Ha.

Well, if you read all of this, you really are a kind and dedicated soul. Believe me, I will have much more to write about in the near future that should be somewhat interesting, so get ready. For now, I am going to leave you with this very long entry that I hope you enjoyed, or at least used to help procrastinate on homework or whatever, because Lord knows that's what I would do.

~Erin

P.S. Here's a picture I took from the Seattle University skybridge on Sunday night, after I got back. I went out with some friends for a midnight walk...er, hobble in my case...in the snow. It was absolutely beautiful.

Crazy with a spoonful of pipe dreams.

(...Alors, avant je dire quelque chose sur ce post, ou le façon de ce post, laissez-moi vous raconter que mon esprit est en mille endroits différents en ce moment, et si vous pouvez entendre tout ce qui se passe là-haut, vous pourriez envisager sérieusement me mettre sur un type de médicament folle...)

So, hi. If you can read what was just posted above, I am proud of you, and we should speak French together sometime.

I'm not really sure if it's just the fact that it's winter quarter, and winter quarter has a tendency to make me a little bit more crazy than usual, or if I am really close to having a mental breakdown, (internally of course). Either way, this is not fun. This constant traffic jam that seems to be going on in my head that I have no idea how to stop. Here are some thoughts currently running through (and forming a cluster-fuck inside of) my head: I have always been one of those people who does the logical thing, the right thing to do at the time. I please people for a living. I have never been impulsive (because when I was it never ended well, but that was only with non-life changing things, like telling a middle school teacher to his face that his class sucked), never done anything that went against what my family expected, and still expects, of me (well besides join a church, get baptized, quit sports, and join choir, but let's not go there). But there's always been this little part of me that wishes I was more impulsive, that I wasn't so scared to take chances or do things and not care what other people think, because in the grand scheme of things, what other people think about my life just does not matter. Like to give an example of taking chances - I want to go back to Boston this spring because I feel comfortable spending the money to get there and back, and I shouldn't have to feel bad about it; but I do, because I let someone make me feel that way. I have my reasons for needing to go there as often as I do, and it's only important for me to know them, and I know them.

Anyway, as of recently I have been having all of little internal dilemmas of, excuse me, what the actual fuck am I going to do with my life? And, excuse me again, what the actual fuck am I doing with it right now? Tomorrow I meet with my French advisor to finalize some paperwork that will official declare me a French major, instead of History. I mean yeah that's a good thing, because I love the language, but yet for some reason I'm still not really satisfied with anything. I am supposed to study abroad in France next year, but I don't even know if I want to do that anymore. What is wrong with me? Aren't I supposed to want that?? Yes, yes I am! Yes, Erin you are, you are! But wait! No! Here, listen close and I'll let you in on a little secret! But I'm going to whisper so make sure you're really listening close. I actually know what I want but I can't exactly tell anyone or do anything about it. Isn't that fun? Do you want to know, do you want to know the story? I guess if I post it on here, I'm kind of telling people, but it's not the same thing as actually saying it out loud, or telling it to the people I try hardest to please. But here goes:

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that at some point in my life I wanted to move to California. It was sunny there, there were a thousand things to do, and gosh darn it it was going to be my home. I knew that was exactly what I wanted until I was 17, when a couple of things happened. One, someone came into my life who made me never want to leave Oregon, and two, someone else who I look up to and love very much told everyone of this fantastic university that I just could not live without, that they could not live without. Let's go back to the part about pleasing people again, shall we. I think you can do the math. So around November of 2009, I let go of my little "insignificant" dream. I applied for early admission to the school of their dreams and got in, gave up on the application(s) for the school(s) of my dreams that I could have gotten into, and told myself that UCLA (and USC and Pepperdine and Occidental and LMU and Chapman) wasn't worth it anyway. Oh but they were; they were so, so worth it! What was I doing? What was I thinking? Why was I just giving up? At the time I didn't feel like I was giving anything up; I was doing the "right" thing. I mean hell, getting early admission to the school of their dreams made someone who is probably rarely proud of me pretty damn proud, so who the hell was I to mess that up? Life was great! Throughout the rest of my senior year, everyone seemed to know what I was doing and where I was going. I on the other hand, had no idea. A part of me wanted to again, stay in Oregon, which was probably just me being nervous about moving out of state for the first time, but then the other part of me was still desperately trying to hold on to what I now call just a pipe dream. No part of me really wanted what everyone else did. But then college started, I ended up making amazing friends who I still have today and wouldn't trade for the world, and had a good time for the most part; but where did my "pipe dream" do? And would I ever carry it with me again? I carry it with my every single day. But now what can I do?

I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I tend to be one of those people who will talk a big game (or rather, think a big game), and then not do anything about it. I think about all the things I could (and should) do, and my mind screams at me to do them, but I just can't. And God, I am so sick of that! I just want to scream all the time that this is not what I want and I just want to get out of here; here being this goddamn box that I seem to be living in! I am tired of writing things all the time that portray me in a positive light when I am really screaming inside. I am tired of telling everyone that everything is all fine and good when in fact it is far from it. Nothing is ever completely fine. I am never completely fine. I am tired.

Et je suis fini.

~Erin

(...Before I say anything related to what this post is actually supposed to be about, let me just throw out there that my mind is in a thousand different places right now, and if you could hear everything that's going on up there, you might strongly consider putting me on some sort of crazy medication...)

"We had a fancy ass dinner party, bitch."

Today just so happened to be the day where we marked the very special occasion that was my dear friend Nichole Abbey's birthday. How did we celebrate, you ask? Why, we had a fancy ass dinner party, bitch. And we had fun I swear; I have pictures to prove it!

(All people mentioned are from L to R)

(Haya, Arielle, Kendra, Kathleen, Kelsey)

(Nichole, Art, Marina, Shane)

(Jaimie, Kate, Alie) 

(Natalie, Eunice)

(Me, Haya)

(Art, Nichole)

(Haya, Arielle)

(Haya, Alie, Jaimie, Art, Kate)

(I think this is my favorite picture of all time)

(Alie, Jaimie, Kate, Nichole)

(Yes, Arielle did slice off part of the very tip of her thumb)

(Nichole, Kate, Jaimie, Shane, Alie, Kelsey, Kathleen)

(Marina, Art, Me, Natalie, Weird Guy, Eunice, Arielle, Haya, Kendra)

(No, I have no idea what the guy behind us is doing)

(Me, Nichole, Kate)

(Nichole, Natalie, Eunice)

(Nichole being sung "Happy Birthday" to by a very large group of people)

(Kendra, Nichole, Kate)

So there you have it, I did indeed have a very pleasant Friday night. Incidentally, we did as the French do by having dessert first at High 5 Pie, and dinner second, at Boom Noodle. But see that wasn't really our fault because, since we had a group of 15 people, we couldn't all get seated for dinner together until around 8:30pm. Needless to say when we found that out it was only about 6:30pm and we were all already starving. So getting dessert seemed like the only logical thing to do. I mean, isn't that normal...? That's what I thought.

Now, I would like to dedicate the rest of this post to dearest Nichole.

Dearest Nichole,

First of all, HAPPY (late) BIRTHDAYYYY! Second of all, thank you so much for being one of my best friends. You are one of the first people who I really felt I could open up to here at Seattle University, and I actually find it really hilarious and ironic that we sort of even became friends before then. And by that I mean we were both fortunate enough to find each other on Facebook before we started school. haha. Anyway, you're basically one of my favorite people ever and I hope that the 20th year of your existence is a fantastic one (and hey, you finally beat teenage pregnancy!). I also hope that one day all of your dreams will come true and that you will get to marry Daniel Radcliffe and accept him for the messy person that he is, like I know you will (oh yeah I've been meaning to ask, can I be a bridesmaid if this happens?). Thank you for always being there for me when I need you, and just know that I will always be here when you need me too, no matter what. You're amazing! :)

Love, Erin

P.S. All credits for the title of this blog to Kate Grogan, naturally.