Dog days of summer.

Well folks, summer 2013 (for me) is officially coming to a close. I can't believe it's gone by as fast as it has, but of course when you're dreading a senior thesis-filled fall semester as I am, it's no wonder the months beforehand went by at warp speed. I think most of all this summer was a time of personal growth for me. Such as, I know who my real friends are, what makes me happy, and what I want to do with my life for the most part.

I've learned a lot of life lessons too; I've learned that...

You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are.

Sometimes, you can't please everyone.

Sometimes, you have to do what makes you happy. (See first lesson).

Sometimes, you have to stop thinking so much and just do.

Also, and this one is very personal to me, I have grown so much in my faith this summer. At this point in my life, I feel closer to God than I ever have before, and that's not an easy thing for me to admit, in part because there are a lot of people in my life who - although I love and adore them - are not close with God, and who in the past I've been afraid to be open about my faith around. Yeah yeah I know, you're not supposed to be ashamed about that kind of thing, but the thing is, I was. I was afraid that if I admitted to being a devout Christian I would immediately be judged as someone I'm not, because unfortunately there's a stereotype behind being a Christian; people automatically think you're this insane close-minded homophobic asshole, and let me tell you, 99% of the time that's not the case. Now, I am proud to stand up and say...

I AM A CHRISTIAN

I want to devote months - maybe even years - to missionary work, I want to be involved in my church, and I want to spend time every evening with nothing but the sunset, my green tea, journal, and bible. So there. Now you know, and I'm not ashamed. Whew.

But, just for good measure, let me tell you that I'm a liberal. Not a Democrat, a liberal. I was the first to cheer (and loudly) when part of DOMA went down last June. And I still Stand with Wendy, regardless of the current outcome. Don't believe me? Just check out my Instagram profile here: http://instagram.com/p/bB9FBfAm56/, here: http://instagram.com/p/bAt2dTAm1G/, and here: http://instagram.com/p/bAu4BPgm2U/.

So yeah. All in all, I'd say this summer's been a good one; in terms of actually doing things, I feel like a lot happened, at the same time not a lot happened, if that makes sense. I did a lot, but didn't do a lot.

On the one hand, once my job with Occidental's library started, I stayed in Los Angeles the entire time, save for like three days.

On the other hand, I:

-Basically road tripped up and down the entire west coast before my job started. Visited family and friends, frolicked, and had a really really good time.

The beautiful Willamette River in Eugene.

My only slightly immature dog, Addie.

Operation "Take Addie to the River."

Ye olde high school in Eugene.

The living room chair Addie always thinks is her bed.

U of O.

The lovely Oregon coast...

Seattle University. My old stomping grounds.

Seattle. 

Building blocks with the nephew (and favorite boy) Parker in Olympia. His two (and only) words: "Whoaaa!" / "Wowww!"

Aunt Sherise's cat, Harmony. He followed me into the bathroom.........

Oregon's Capital Building in Salem.

Deshutes River in Bend.

Mt. Bachelor. Yes, there was still snow on the road.

San Francisco!

Alcatraz.

I drove on this. Terrifying. Oh, and you don't pay the toll there...they take a snapshot of your license plate and mail the toll fee to the address listed on your car registration. Even more terrifying. #BigBrother

-Had two best friends visit me in LA.

Bre and me taking a selfie while drinking milkshakes (from Millions of Milkshakes in West Hollywood). Had to Instagram it or else it didn't happen...mostly because Miley Cyrus drinks Millions of Milkshakes too and we had to be cool like her. Yeah.

At Santa Monica beach. The one good hair day of my entire life.

Andre and me at Disneyland.

-Had a (three hour long) coffee date with a new best friend.

I don't have a picture of this because I suck. Sorry Isabella!

-Booked a plane ticket home to Eugene for the best friend Isabel's wedding in October. Huzzah! ...or whatever you say to people about to be married.

-Spotted Luke Wilson at Occidental's Alumni Weekend last June. Yes, he is an alum of my university. Win.

-Joined a new church and fell even more in love with God.

http://www.hollywoodcoc.com/

-Met some of the greatest people in the world at said church.

Hollywood Church of Christ 75th reunion picnic in Griffith Park. The egg toss tournament got serious.

-Went to a Dodger game (THEY PITCHED A NO-HITTER), and watched the movie 42 on the big screen.

-Went to Disneyland with Andre. His FIRST visit, ladies and gentlemen.

California Screamin'. Proof it happened.

"It's a small world after all..." Stuck in my head forever.

-Visited Chicago for three hours via. the airport at five in the morning thanks to a red eye flight (don't judge...I take what I can get).

If you look really closely, squint, close one eye, then the other eye, you can kiiiind of see downtown in this picture.

#TeamNoSleep

-Visited someone very special to me (and her sister and her dog and her best friend) in Siesta Key, Florida. It's really true what they say about Southern hospitality, y'all. Love it. Oh, and I tried my first legal margarita.

The Gulf.

Sunset. Don't be fooled...it was 167% humidity outside.

This water was borderline hot, I kid you not. Ha I rhymed...

Diesel, aka. Mr. D. A 15 pound Terrier who thinks he's a Great Dane.

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."

...meanwhile Diesel barks at the water.

And of course I must finish with documentation of my first legal margarita...

-Survived the humidity in Florida. And the severe thunderstorms.

Literally three inches of water fell in about ten minutes. And I mean literally as in, really literally, not the bullshit definition that literally killed the English language. See what I did there?

-Hiked around LA. A lot.

Inspiration Point in Runyon Canyon.

Hollywood Sign in Griffith Park.

Mt. Fiji at the back of Occidental's campus.

Runyon Canyon.

Yes, this is a view of Madonna's old house from the path in Runyon.

The view from Inspiration Point in Runyon.

Griffith Observatory on a particularly cloudy Sunday.

Mt. Hollywood.

-Read 17 books.

 The Help.

Aside from The Help, every book I read this summer was - no joke - one of Luanne's. Brilliant author. But my personal fave was this one...I finished it on the plane ride home from Florida and sobbed.

-Had the parents visit me in LA. 

UCLA.

UCLA School of Law - Dad's alma mater.

Traditional mother/daughter selfie on the Santa Monica Pier.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

~Erin

P.S. Orientation Staff training for this fall officially starts tomorrow morning. Basically, it means 7+ days of 13+ hour training sessions and no sleep. And then actual orientation starts. But it'll be fun! I'm looking forward to it...who needs sleep anyway?

Fight or flight.

Have you ever had someone in your life who you really genuinely like, but then does a complete 180 on you and then before you know it, this person isn't even the person who you became friends with in the first place? It's like one minute you're so close and you tell each other everything and love each other like siblings, and then all the sudden that person changes. Or you change. Or you both change.

Or you're just stuck, and driven to the point where you're beginning to wonder if there's something inherently wrong with you. Because no one else sees what you see. No one else goes through what you go through. And the thought of ending a relationship becomes so frightening to you because you're afraid that everyone else will hate you for it, despite how horrible the relationship is for you, and how hard it is on you.

It's really truly amazing how much we let other people influence what goes through our minds, and how we think of ourselves as people. I admit, I am someone who takes very seriously what others think, and what they say to me. I know I shouldn't, and there have been many people in my life who have told me to just fuck what other people think, but come on, it's not that easy!

Okay, well for me it isn't.

I'm not the kind of person who goes out of her way to intentionally say something mean to someone. I have a filter 99% of the time, and I don't hate people. What I do hate is people who make me become that person - that person who blows up and says things she can't take back and holds in all of this anger and unhappy thoughts. I'm not a confrontational person at all; when conflict arises in my life, my natural instinct is to "flight" instead of "fight." That's how I was raised, that's how I've always been. It's not like I can just change it on a whim. So on the rare occasion when my body decides to "fight," it doesn't know when to stop because that fight has been held in for so long. And the fight is ugly and uncontrollable and there are tears and ugh...I wish I could control it better but when it's not a natural instinct it just kind of ends up like:

ASDFGHJKLRHSFLBKNLINADBGAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

 (Except I don't speak Spanish)

I'm just really tired right now, so if you want you could just stop reading here and leave it at that. But I'm also really stressed out about...things...and it's creating a giant knot in my back and a tension headache and just all sorts of unpleasantness.

On a lighter note, I officially started my summer job today in Occidental's library (it's not really new, since I had this job all last school year too) and I still love it. My bosses are great and fun to be around, and it's more relaxing work. I finished my junior year on May 9, ending with a tedious Chemistry final. Summer has been pretty good to me so far, considering...things, and here's to hoping this job will just make it better :)

Now I think I'm just gonna go watch reruns of Friday Night Lights - seriously best show ever, in a "if you haven't seen it you haven't lived" sort of way -  and attempt to sleep. And I had to say goodbye to a really good friend tonight sooo that kind of sucked too so maybe if I sleep it'll be like that never happened and he actually gets to stay here forever.

Spain, you suck for taking my friends away. Bah humbug.

~Erin

Those who mind don't matter.

Okay, this post is going to be a little bit rant-y, so just consider this your advanced notice. But hopefully it'll give you some insight too, dear reader.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

First of all, what I want to say is that I take no issue in people who are proud of who they are and what they stand for. People with solid arguments behind their opinions, and people who are genuinely good and kind to others. I don't judge people based on their personal beliefs - for example I myself am a firm believer in my Christian God, but that doesn't mean I will think any less of you if you're not, or if you're not a Christian - and really, I try not to judge people period, because being judged just kind of...sucks.

What I do take issue with, however, this quote just chillin' above me, (yeah, you see it right up there?) and that seems to have been chillin' in my life throughout the past few months. Right off the bat, what this quote says to me is that people shouldn't feel the need to change who they are just to please someone else. That's fine with me. But then I look into it a little harder, and I realize what this quote also implies is something along the lines of:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind, and if you happen to offend or hurt anyone [deeply] along the way, just fuck 'em."

Um...no thank you to that both literally and figuratively. In what world is it okay to hurt someone and then just pass it off as you just being yourself? Is "yourself" a giant fucking asshole or something?

Now, feel free to disagree with me on any of this, but I believe there comes a point where it's not okay to "say what you want" because there are people in your life who do matter, who might also just so happen to mind. For example, if you come up to me and tell me straight to my face that there is no God, or tell me that when I pray I'm actually talking to no one because Jesus doesn't exist, or that when people talk about how they feel God's presence they're actually just alone, not gonna lie I'm gonna get a little offended, because while I respect the fact that you're an Atheist or Agnostic or what have you, that does not give you the right to come up to me and deny MY beliefs to my face in a derogatory manner especially when I ask you to please stop. You're more than welcome to think those thoughts and practice them in your daily life and talk about them to your Atheist and/or Agnostic etc. friends, but when you say that to someone whose religion is very important to them and saved them from a very dark time in their life, you're going to offend them. And hurt them. I guarantee it. And you're not allowed to just stand there and say that that person doesn't matter "because they mind."

Everyone matters. Everyone in this whole world matters.

It's not okay to just bash people with mean and hurtful words and then just pass it off as you being yourself and then blaming the other person for taking it so personally. That's not what mature adults should do and really, I think that's part of the reason why this world is so chaotic as it is; people just say whatever the hell they want to each other and do whatever the hell they want to each other, and then just tell themselves that "those people" don't matter.

They won't care.

They won't get hurt.

This shouldn't affect them anyway.

They shouldn't care.

Well sometimes it does. And they do. Sometimes words really, really hurt, whether they're spoken aloud, written in text, or even written in pen. Words can destroy people, and we need to be careful what we say, even if we are just "speaking our minds."

And just gonna throw this thought out there, from my own personal experience: Sometimes it doesn't even matter why something that was said hurt someone. What matters is the fact that it did, and you're the one who did it. You need to fix it. You need to apologize, even if you don't know what you're apologizing for. Just do it. Be the bigger person.

I guess what I really just want to say is...be careful what you say to people because words can cut deeper than any physical wound. Having a filter is a good thing. Believing in your heart that everyone matters; even if they're not your friend, even if they're someone you hate, even if they're some annoying professor who just gave you your first C...they matter.

Phew, okay. I think the rant is now over. I should probably sleep now, buuut it's finals week and ain't nobody got time for that.

I'll see y'all on the flip side of this Chem. final Thursday evening.

~Erin

P.S. Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOM! Who definitely turns 40 today........................

We love you, Boston.

Ever since I sat down at my desk at work late this morning and turned on the computer, I have been seeing (and reading) articles looking like this:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/dozens-people-injured-explosion-boston-marathon-190955311.html

And this:

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/two_explosions_at_boston_marathon_iMR0LCkcwASg0RQfVsH1yI

And this:

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2013/04/15/us/site-of-the-boston-marathon-explosion.html?_r=0

The list goes on and on. I think I can speak for everyone here when I come out and say I just don't get it. What in God's name could possess people to commit such crimes? First the Sandy Hook shooting, and now this? I mean what the actual fuck is wrong with people? Pardon my French but really, it's heartbreaking.

What is it that people think they can accomplish by shooting guns and setting off bombs and hurting innocent people? Does it give them some sort of like weird power trip or something...I just, I can't even. If anyone has any theories, let me know. I've had this giant lump in the back of my throat literally all day, looking through pictures of these poor people and wishing there was something I could do to help, instead of just sitting here all the way across the country and watching them suffer.

I know people who live in Boston, several of whom are very dear friends who I care for very much. Like for example this girl:

 

We've gone on many an adventure in that city, and it's insane to think that the streets we've walked on, the places we've visited, are now torn apart with pain, injury, and violence. It literally makes me sick to think of anyone hurting my friends over there, or anyone else I love for that matter (although thank God they're okay). And to think of all the stupid accusations and conspiracies that are most likely going to be flying around in the near future, like blaming the president or the US government or whatever, and how exhausting that's going to be to listen to, especially because we all know it's not true. But I don't really want to get into that. 

I guess I'm just waiting for the day when I can read through the Times and not see something about people somewhere suffering. Violence won't ever end with more violence. Hate won't ever end with more hate. War won't ever end with more war. This marathon was an event to honor the 26 victims of the Sandy Hook shooting last December, and just to further prove it, here's the link:

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2013/04/boston-marathons-final-mile-was-dedicated-newtown-victims/64250/

Every mile ran in that race today was to honor a little first grader, or a principal, or a teacher, or a school counselor. And then some awful, awful human being(s) makes a homemade bomb to set off near the 26th mile point. Just...why? Just...ugh. Just...fuck you whoever did this.

So for now...

And don't forget to tell the people you love just how much you love them!

~Erin

I'm so distracted by everyth-SQUIRREL!

So I am writing to you all today to talk about one thing first and foremost: focus and my lack thereof.

I don't know if it's just because it's that time of the year or something, but lately it just seems like I cannot focus on school for the life of me. It's like I have too many other things on my mind, like this summer, next fall, Comps (or "Senior Thesis" in Occidental-speak), next winter break, my life, etc etc.

Basically it goes like this: I sit down with my chemistry book and notes, fully intending to study and kick ass on my exam next Monday morning (HA YEAH RIGHT), and then I start thinking about next month and summer and stuff and I get totally distracted. Summer should be fun though, right? Full of stuff like this:

 

 Or this:

Or even this:

Or, okay one more, this:

(Sunriver, Oregon one of my favorite places in the world)

But then life kind of slaps me in the face and is just like lol no you're a college student summer isn't a time to de-stress are you crazy? Summer is a time to stress and think about how poor you are and how you have no prospects in life and are going nowhere. Ugh. I hate that so much. I'm just like...so over being stressed, you know? I'm sure you all are too, and I wish you didn't have any stress either! So we could all have like one big stress-free party!

Working together to be stress-free. haha okay. 

 

You know what I'd love to do most of all this summer? Besides stay in LA? Go on a vacation with my mom. Just me and her, going everywhere but going nowhere at the same time, because those are the best adventures, and she's actually a really good travel buddy. Just ask her. I've always wanted to do a really long trip with her, like a long drive, or hike, or whatever. Hmph.

I'm sorry this isn't a very interesting post. Really, school and work have taken over my life so I don't really have anything exciting to tell. I have a chem. midterm on Monday morning, but you already knew that. I'm studying a lot, I really am, but that subject kind of hates me and I find that I do just as well on exams when I don't study as when I do, so you know it doesn't really matter either way. I also have a paper due next Wednesday that I should have started by now, and my professor thinks I'm already finished with, but I haven't, because of reasons. And then I got a sore throat and decided to feel sorry for myself.

Oh! I forgot to tell you! Next week is also I-Week for Zeta (and all other sororities and fraternities). I think I stands for initiation. Basically that means I'm going to be over-my-head busy and not sleeping all week, BUT at the end I will (hopefully) be an active member of Zeta! 

Really though, I'm super glad I joined this lovely group of people. It's been swell, and next weekend is Oxy's Relay For Life which we have a team for so that should make the experience even swell-er. I'm excited.

Anywho, there's an update on my life for you people. Oh and the job interview I mentioned last time, it went okay. I'll just leave it at that. And let you know that I have another one this coming Wednesday. This summer so up in the air and what am I doing with my life and where am I going and asdfhhhjghjklmpw.

~Erin

Asleep.

...is what I should be right now. But I'm not, because my mind is full of too many things. And The Smiths are singing to me and I'm perfectly okay with that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D9ae_hdkUM

(This book and movie changed my life too)

The first thing that's going through my mind is this rough draft of a screenplay I have due on Wednesday afternoon that I'm trying desperately to outline. It's supposed to be for a short film, so like 15ish pages on paper (and that's in script format). But you see, that's where my problem begins, because my mind physically doesn't work in short term; everything I come up with in my head is for either a novel or a long, detailed story...I guess that could be considered a novel but whatever. The point is, I'm having some issues figuring out how I want to do this thing. Now before you ask, I have the storyline and I really don't want to change that. It's basically along the same lines as the story I'm going to turn into a semi-autobiographical novel one day, but again, it can't be a novel. It has to be short. So I was thinking I could take a snippet of my future story and turn that into a script for a short film? Sigh, I don't know.

However, if you'd like to know the storyline I'll gladly tell you (most of it). Let's just say several months ago I created this character in my head and her name is Emily Carver. She's been up there for a while now, and every now and again I find myself thinking as her; if I were to make her come to life in my novel how would she think? How would she act? How would she react? Anyway, if you hadn't guessed, little miss Emily is a slightly more badass version of me. She's smart. She's strong. She's been hurt, but she's not afraid to love. She cares about people, but sometimes she doesn't always know how to show it, or how to tell them. And yet, the person Emily cares for the most is the person who's most far away.

In my novel screenplay, she's going to find her. I just need to figure out how, because again, this isn't a novel. Gah. Frustrations because things that make sense in my head don't make sense on paper...or, on computer screen.

Fuck.

(I am getting way too happy with this strike through line thing...)

I also can't sleep because I'm thinking about the fact that summer "vacation" is only about five weeks away and I still have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going to be. And that's super stressful. Oh, and I put quotes around "vacation," because I honestly can't remember the last time I considered summer to be a vacation, instead of a time that just stresses me the eff out. What is wrong with that picture? Oh well, I guess the best I can do is hope that one day, preferably sooner rather than later, summer will once again be a time for me to relax like all the other kids.

Oh, and I have a job interview tomorrow guys! Er...I guess it's now later today because it's motherfucking 3:12 in the am. It's for a summer position for this organization that basically helps high schoolers (and first generation college students) from low-income backgrounds get ready for college. For those of you who know what Jumpstart is, the organization I spent two years working for, it's basically that but for big kids. I'm really looking forward to the interview; call me crazy, but I actually thoroughly enjoy most job interviews. I know, it's a little weird. If I end up getting hired, I will either be working as a legitimate tutor, or as a residential advisor, aka. the person who schedules the tutoring hours. So, you know, just...

And just to add a 17th thing to discuss on this post, I suppose I should also announce that I got picked to be part of Occidental's Fall 2013 O-Team! aka. Orientation Staff! I'm super excited about it :) Basically, my friend Enoch and I, and several other leaders I'm sure, will be leading and advising a group of transfer/exchange/visiting students, or TEVs for lack of a better word. Enoch was a TEV at Oxy with me last fall, so I'm really excited to work with him :) Just to give you some idea of how exciting it really is, here you go:

 

I think I'm gonna listen to The Smiths now, and actually go to sleep. So good night every one :) Or...good morning to those of you who wish to be smart asses.

~Erin

So many things.

For the longest time I told myself that I had abandoned this blog. Legitimately abandoned it. But tonight - and a few other nights to be honest - I'll admit I have so much on my mind that abandonment seems like an utterly foolish thing to do.

So I apologize. For those of you who actually took an extra five (or more) minutes out of your day to read my rambles and insights, I am sorry I quit so abruptly.

Also, for those of you who didn't know, Occidental College is a really difficult school. Like really difficult. And that gets frustrating sometimes because like, I'm not used to taking four classes at once man! Four classes where each professor expects 110% from you or more...like wtf? Well, I've been here over a semester now, and somehow I've managed NOT to flunk out, so that's a bonus that I may or may not repeat to myself in front of the mirror daily. Really, I think that's all you really need to know about my schooling...the rest of it is all just cliche bitching about classwork and having too many papers due and not enough time to do them.

Fucking professors.

No not really, I like them. I really do. Like there's this one teacher, Professor Stone; I literally worship the ground she walks on. No, the water she walks on, because she's just so much cooler and smarter than everyone else. Don't tell her I said that, well...I guess you could, I'll let you decide.

Anywho, I guess I really just wanted to write tonight because I have things on my mind that need to be released out into the physical (or online) world. I guess if there was one thing I've realized, and fairly recently, is that I have a difficult time admitting when I'm wrong. I feel like we all have that issue at times, but now it feels like it's kind of just eating me up...like some kind of parasite that I wish I could just take a drug for to kill. But that's not how life works...the bastard. Oy. I just hate getting in like, little spats with people and then finding out like halfway in that I'm the one who's wrong. Or even that I'm the one who's right but I have no way of proving that I'm right without sounding like an asshole. And usually about halfway into these things I wish I could be somewhere else anyway, so I make some half-assed excuse to leave.

Blah.

I won't burden you too much with this, since it's been like 84 years...

...since I last blogged. Sorry, I couldn't help myself, I love that gif. And I feel like I have so many more things that I could talk about, but right now that's in the front of my brain. Sometimes I just want to scream at myself to just CALM THE FUCK DOWN and say I'm sorry, or I am so wrong here it' s hilarious, but I can't, because I was raised to be a pretty non-confrontational person, and unfortunately that little bug has stuck with me into my 20s. I have no idea how to get rid of it, so any thoughts would be extremely helpful.

So yeah. I feel like I'll be writing on here way more often again now, so please stick with me! Because I love you! And I have many things to say, about school, and many other adventures. And who knows, maybe I'll even write a few flashback posts to some adventures I had last semester, like meeting MY BEAUTIFUL AND COMPLETE IDOL Kate Walsh in a movie theatre on Thanksgiving.

Oh, and Happy Easter! He is risen! :) I may or may not have sworn too much in this blog to claim that I believe in God, but I do nonetheless. <3

I'll see y'all on the flip side after church in the morning!

~Erin

P.S. I may or may not have taken some selfies with a fake mustache tonight...gracias Instagram.