Fight or flight.

Have you ever had someone in your life who you really genuinely like, but then does a complete 180 on you and then before you know it, this person isn't even the person who you became friends with in the first place? It's like one minute you're so close and you tell each other everything and love each other like siblings, and then all the sudden that person changes. Or you change. Or you both change.

Or you're just stuck, and driven to the point where you're beginning to wonder if there's something inherently wrong with you. Because no one else sees what you see. No one else goes through what you go through. And the thought of ending a relationship becomes so frightening to you because you're afraid that everyone else will hate you for it, despite how horrible the relationship is for you, and how hard it is on you.

It's really truly amazing how much we let other people influence what goes through our minds, and how we think of ourselves as people. I admit, I am someone who takes very seriously what others think, and what they say to me. I know I shouldn't, and there have been many people in my life who have told me to just fuck what other people think, but come on, it's not that easy!

Okay, well for me it isn't.

I'm not the kind of person who goes out of her way to intentionally say something mean to someone. I have a filter 99% of the time, and I don't hate people. What I do hate is people who make me become that person - that person who blows up and says things she can't take back and holds in all of this anger and unhappy thoughts. I'm not a confrontational person at all; when conflict arises in my life, my natural instinct is to "flight" instead of "fight." That's how I was raised, that's how I've always been. It's not like I can just change it on a whim. So on the rare occasion when my body decides to "fight," it doesn't know when to stop because that fight has been held in for so long. And the fight is ugly and uncontrollable and there are tears and ugh...I wish I could control it better but when it's not a natural instinct it just kind of ends up like:

ASDFGHJKLRHSFLBKNLINADBGAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

 (Except I don't speak Spanish)

I'm just really tired right now, so if you want you could just stop reading here and leave it at that. But I'm also really stressed out about...things...and it's creating a giant knot in my back and a tension headache and just all sorts of unpleasantness.

On a lighter note, I officially started my summer job today in Occidental's library (it's not really new, since I had this job all last school year too) and I still love it. My bosses are great and fun to be around, and it's more relaxing work. I finished my junior year on May 9, ending with a tedious Chemistry final. Summer has been pretty good to me so far, considering...things, and here's to hoping this job will just make it better :)

Now I think I'm just gonna go watch reruns of Friday Night Lights - seriously best show ever, in a "if you haven't seen it you haven't lived" sort of way -  and attempt to sleep. And I had to say goodbye to a really good friend tonight sooo that kind of sucked too so maybe if I sleep it'll be like that never happened and he actually gets to stay here forever.

Spain, you suck for taking my friends away. Bah humbug.

~Erin