"This world is so twisted."

Last Saturday night (2/11), I must say was one of the most interesting nights I have ever had, to the point where I'm not even really sure how to describe it, because I'm not really sure anyone will believe me. Actually, scratch that - what I did last Saturday night was definitely believable, it's just the little details that are a little...odd. Let's start from the beginning shall we, with a little background information. And yes, I know this intro paragraph here sounds a little off, but trust me what I'm blogging about tonight is totally not what any of you are thinking. ha. Okay, yeah, anyway..background information.

Note: For confidentiality reasons I am choosing not to mention anyone's real name, so for now I am going to give the characters of this post pseudonyms (which in this case will just be the first letter of their first name...ha). And I'm also not going to tell everything in its correct order, just to be tricky and mix things up a bit. Because it really is important that you not know who this person is; the point of this entry is not to patronize, rather it's to express my fascination with someone who is...a little different from the rest of us.

So I have this good friend here at school, A, a sophomore like me, and this year is his first year living away from home and in the dorms. Everything about A is totally normal - good student, really involved on campus, working part-time, etc etc etc. Everything except, his roommate, J. Now, I'm not going to fly off the handle here and say that J is a particularly bad person, because he's not at all. He's actually a very quiet, sweet individual; let's just say he has a few, to put it in a nice way, "quirks," about him that make him a little different. Granted, some of these "quirks" are due to an undiagnosed case of OCD, but there are definitely others that go way, way deeper than that (deeper as in a potential case of Asperger's). You see, J hasn't had much experience with life in the real world, which may sound interesting to you because obviously, since he's in college (and took boatloads of AP classes in high school), he must possess some sort of cognition. Well  to tell you the truth, that's where I'm a little fuzzy too, because the only real knowledge J seems to present us with is that of the video game, Final Fantasy. He's constantly telling us that he wishes he could get out of "this world," and live among the world of Final Fantasy, however impossible that may be. Basically all that goes on in the world around him here and the way actual people live their lives, he pays no attention to; rather he focuses very intently on that game, the characters inside it, and the way they live their lives. And thus, because he focuses so intently on this game world, he really has no idea what's going on in "this world" around him - like he doesn't understand the characteristics/reasoning behind most human relationships, or why people go out at night, or even the general knowledge that most people learn in their pre-teens, for example that Washington DC is the capital of the United States. Some of his "quirks" also include: the need to work out for three hours a day, seven days a week, never eating anything that could in any way be deemed "unhealthy," brushing his teeth four times a day, and lastly, using hand sanitizer instead of actual soap and water (he doesn't believe that soap and water will actually get rid of all germs, because of the chemicals within the tap water). Just refer back to the aforementioned undiagnosed OCD, and these will all make more sense. But honestly, despite everything I just mentioned, I find J not weird at all, I actually find him extremely fascinating. I love being around him, because honestly although I and my friends are constantly teaching him the ways of the world, I feel as though he is also teaching me, but instead the ways of his world.

Anyway, now to last Saturday night. J decided that he wanted to hang out with my friends (which included A) and me, which was totally fine, but little did we know that this little hanging out session was actually J's first time ever going out late in the evening. (Late being relative, it was like 11pm-midnight). We didn't take him anywhere too exciting at first, no need to give the kid a coronary, we just wandered about 7ish blocks down Broadway to Dick's Drive-In (oh please, it's a hamburger place) since it was open until 2am. However, for those of you who live around or on Capitol Hill, you would know that it's anything if not exciting at midnight on a Saturday night (or Sunday morning..), no matter where you go. Needless to say, despite our most valiant of efforts, we were not able to shield J from all of the cigarette (or God knows what else) smokers, drunken assholes, or cross-dressers. (For the record, I take no issue with cross-dressers, what you do with your clothes is your business, but J is a very conservative Catholic so uhh...yeah you do the math). So as we were walking we dealt with questions such as "Why are people doing this?!," "Isn't that a sin??," and "If I am seen around these people, does that mean I'm smoking [drinking, doing drungs, insert word here] too??" more than once. And our answers were pretty much the same every time: "How the hell should I know," "No I don't think that's a sin, they're over 21 and adults," and "No you are not sinning!"

When we eventually got to Dick's and somehow managed to dodge the gaggle of oddly-dressed party-going teenagers (aka. high schoolers), it was time to take the next step in getting J out of his box; getting him to eat a french fry. Now normally when people are health nuts, they sometimes allow themselves to splurge and eat something unbelievably unhealthy, but J, not so much. He's constantly telling me, whether that night at Dick's or really any night when we have dinner together, that "everything counts...everything you eat is supposed to count...you can't let yourself eat that stuff." And not to mention he spent a decent amount of time questioning how we could all eat something that was so harmful to our bodies (to which I responded "I'm already overweight, so why not clog my arteries a little bit more?!") So needless to say getting him to eat a french fry was a bust, but still...shit I really wish I had his kind of willpower. I mean, if I was never faced with the temptation of eating like, pizza or (my ultimate weakness) Ben & Jerry's ice cream, then I would be rail-fucking-thin. Or okay maybe not rail-fucking thin, but at least rail-fucking-thinner. But at least we got him out and witnessing other people eating late at night. And believe it or not, by the end of our little escapade, he did relax a little bit. He's not really one who becomes comfortable around others very easily, so it was kind of a blessing in disguise.

Cut to another portion of the evening. J was hanging out in my room with my roommate L, our friend S (first letter of last name) and me. There we also taught him many things. Such as the art of hand-washing. Now I know that may sound gross, but the truth is, J is actually very sanitary, despite his lack of knowledge on soap. He just believes that hand-sanitizer cleans better is all. Now, I don't know how long he's been living with that belief, but if I had to guess I would say for a very long time. I had never in my life given someone a hand-washing tutorial before Saturday night, which is actually strange considering I spend 10-15 hours per week working with three to five year olds, but I can now officially cross it off of my very extensive bucket list. You see J is one of those people who really loves to ask us questions about life, and in so doing that night, he asked us about the issue of sanitation. Once L and S emphasized greatly how important hand-washing is, and J then proceeded to refute (or rather question) their arguments, I commenced my tutorial. He asked me how much soap to use, I said one full squirt, so he did, and then I showed him the proper hand motions for scrubbing with the soap, he mimicked, and then rinsed. What was really interesting during the rinsing process though was his question of whether or not he should trust the water - when he turned on the water for the first time, it was cold because he turned the nozzle to the right. He asked if the water should be hot or cold, I said hot water kills germs better, but so long as you use soap, you'll be fine. He then asked "but what if the water isn't really hot or cold and my brain is just deceiving me?" How do I really answer that? I just said "well, J, you're just going to have to trust yourself." When he was done rinsing and asking me if his hands were free of soap remnants, I proceeded to hand him the drying towel, to which I received a look of utter horror and disgust. I just ignored it and emphasized again the towel. Look still withstanding, he used it. End hand-washing tutorial and commence J's looks of surprise and fascination; his next question after that was, "but how can I know if my hands are really truly clean?? Do I have to wash them again??"

I guess what I really wanted to get out of writing this (apparently very long) post was again not to patronize, but to emphasize my fascination with J and his lifestyle. One of the things I remember him saying to me during our walk from Dick's back to campus was this: "This world is so twisted." This world is so twisted. This world is so twisted. Despite all of J's "quirks," obsessions, and naivete, is he right? I mean really, he goes out late at night for the first time in his life, he sees people high and drunk on the streets, and then just says "this world is so twisted." I actually think, in my very heart of hearts, that he might actually be right. I mean hell, in the the real world we go out of our way to feed addictions and bad habits, be cruel to others, and make all kinds of cracked decisions; whereas in J's desired world (Final Fantasy), people are heroes, destined to defeat the evil that plagues the world. They live to help one another survive. What could be so wrong with wanting to live in a world like that? You tell me. As for the other stuff, like the "quirks," I don't think it's just OCD or Asperger's or whatever you want to call it. I mean I know I said earlier that those are possibilities, but just with the way his mind works, there's got to be something else going on up there, something that can't really be defined, but I find kind of amazing. And while sometimes it can be tough facing the kinds of questions J asks, and I'm sure will ask in the future, I know he asks them with a good-natured and curious heart. I am curious, as this year continues, how his friendship with us will play out. A is such a good roommate to him, which is good, but it also means that J will probably be spending quite a bit of time with us, since A is in our group of friends. But that's okay, we all could use a little Final Fantasy in our lives.

~Erin

P.S. Listen to this song. Because you can. It has absolutely nothing to do with my post, but for some reason I have developed a new obsession with French techno.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHoT4N43jK8&ob=av3e

Alors on danse - Stromae

Gratituesday number two: Health. And sleep, sleep is good.

This Tuesday I am grateful for sleep; yes, sleep is good. And health, health is good too. Unfortunately today I am deprived of both of these things, thanks to three midterms (just in this week alone) and an apparently weak immune system. Ah well, such is the life of a college student [who is currently taking a break from the brain-melting book that is Descartes' Meditations].

Regardless, I really am thankful for my health, and for having someplace to sleep that is both warm and safe. I know that there are definitely a lot of people out there who cannot say the same, and that is really very unfortunate. Yes, my body may be out of shape for intense physical exercise (meaning I can no longer run three miles without feeling like my lungs are bitch-slapping my chest cavity...), but it is still healthy enough to allow me to do all of the little things that I love, like sing, walk, (kind of) run (see above), and eat good foods, and that's all I could ask for. I also know that a lot of times we take stuff like this for granted, and that's me included, but if there were any resolutions I made at the start of the new year, they were to stop taking for granted what I have, and to always thank the people who help me and who are there for me. We should all take our own appreciations and use them to help others, to help them in receiving what we are already so used to having, like a shelter or a bed. Anyway, I guess this post isn't going to be very long, I guess  the message that I really wanted to relay out there was just to be thankful for your health, and for your bed. Bed is good.

Now, back to the wonderful world of Meditations. And to face the reality that I have a Philosophy midterm tomorrow morning (so in like 10 hours). Holy shit. Goodnight!

~Erin

P.S. Descartes really needed to get a life. Literally.

If / Then, and some groundhogs.

OH MY GOD. I'm sorry, but I can't not blog about this, and honestly, I need to blog about this due to the huge lack of Grey's Anatomy fangirls at my school. Tonight was the episode entitled "If / Then," and basically what it was was an AU (alternate universe) episode of what certain characters' lives would have been like if they had married someone else, stayed with their previous lover, or never gotten sick, etc etc etc. ABC had been promoting this episode since last November I think, and needless to say I have been sitting on pins and needles ever since. So, for those who care, here are my fabulous reviews (ha.):

Derek and Addison still married:

Okay, for those of you who truly know me, you would know that my OTP (One True Pair...Tumblr lingo), has always been Derek Shepherd and Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. I started watching Grey's when it was in the middle of its second season, and at that point they were still married (they got divorced in the beginning of the third season) and I had no previous knowledge of the whole Derek and Meredith Grey thing that had previously gone down. So when people would tell me that Derek and Meredith really belonged together, and not Derek and Addison, I was just like "Pfft...whatever." Ha yeah. Anyway, in tonight's AU episode, my OTP was supposed to be still married and expecting a baby together. When I found that out I literally could not stop hyperventilating, like literally, just ask my roommate Arielle. It was pathetic. Anyway, all day today I could not sit still because I just could not wait for tonight's episode. My couple, together at last, having a baby. My dying wish (okay not really, just dramatic effect here).

Little did I know that about halfway through the episode we found out that my dear Shepherds were in fact not really in love with one another. They were still married yes, Addison was pregnant yes, but were they happy together? No. Well fuck. And to make matters worse, in the last like, ten minutes of the episode we found out that the baby wasn't even Dereks! It was Mark's! (Mark and Addison had an affair previously in the real show, which in turn drove Derek to Meredith in the beginning of the first season; but apparently that affair went a little bit further in this AU episode). FUUUUUUU- ...no okay actually I have toyed with the idea of Mark and Addison as a couple, but no, they're no Derek and Addison. So right now what I'm feeling is just, ugh. Like, why? This was supposed to be an AU episode, couldn't they just be happy one time?? Gah. But yeah, that's what happened. Derek and Addison were still married but unhappy, she was pregnant with someone else's baby, and everything just went to hell in a hand basket. So that was fun. I guess I should start looking for a new OTP now.

*cries*

Meredith's mom, Ellis, not contracting Alzheimer's:


In the real show, Meredith Grey's mom, world-class general surgeon Ellis Grey contracted Alzheimer's before the show even started and then passed away from something (I don't really remember what) related to it in the middle of the third season. In tonight's AU episode, however, we got to see a world in which Ellis never got sick. Personally, I loved it. I loved getting to see her and Richard (the man she fell in love/had an affair with as an intern, but ended up not being with because he wouldn't leave his wife for her) together, and actually getting to see her be a surgeon. It was amazing. And to see her and Meredith actually (somewhat) get along towards the beginning was good. In the real show, they rarely did, regardless of the fact that she was sick. The fight at the end, not so much, but whatever, their relationship was at least...okay. But yeah, that part should have actually happened on the real show.

Meredith and Alex's engagement:


Really, like what the hell? Yeah, the previews made it seem all fine and dandy that these two were getting married, but once the entire episode was finished, just...Umm what? That was pretty much the only reaction I could come up with. In the real show, Meredith and this guy Alex Karev were both interns together, basically the only guy/girl combo who stayed "kinda friends" without ever sleeping together. So obviously it was a little bit of a jaw-dropper to see two people who so clearly should not be a couple, be a couple. But it was really cute at the beginning; you see, Alex is normally this really hard-ass "I-don't-care-what-anyone-thinks-of-me" kind of guy, but not in this episode. In this episode he was kind of that hot, nerdy/geeky kind of guy that a lot of girls typically like. Again, it was cute. And then we find out that he and Meredith were engaged, and once I picked my jaw up off the ground, I kind of grew to like them. BUT THEN stupid Alex had to go and cheat on Meredith with her AU best friend April (who in the real show is like the exact opposite of Meredith's best friend, Cristina), so then that also went to hell in a hand basket. My, there were certainly a lot of hand baskets in tonight's episode.

Callie and Owen married (with three children):


In the real show, you would have to be completely out of your mind to put these two together. They are so not even compatible at all. For one thing, Callie is actually bisexual and currently married to a woman, a Peds surgeon named Arizona Robbins (who by the way was on tonight's episode too, and there was so much sexual tension between her and Callie regardless of it being AU that I almost had to leave the room), and even before Arizona the type of men she was with were totally not Owen. She has a baby with Mark (yes, Addison's Mark), and was married to an intern named George in the third season. But anyway, in AU Callie and Owen were married. Owen was an Iraq War Vet (and is in the real show too) who was still struggling with PTSD but didn't want to say anything to Callie. Basically it was the same situation he was in when he came on the real show in the hmm...fifth season I think it was, or maybe the sixth, I don't remember. The only difference was, Callie was the one going through it with him, rather than Cristina (Meredith's actual best friend and Owen's current wife). It was just kind of awkward. But their kids were cute so they get brownie points for that.

Miranda Bailey...shy:


In the real show, Dr. Miranda Bailey is anything but shy. She is a force to be reckoned with, an amazing general surgeon, and probably one of my favorite characters. As an intern she was shy, but then she grew out of it later into her residency. In AU however, Bailey was freaking shy, like, painfully shy. It was weird, and I don't think I liked it very much. And then at the end she got fired, which was also weird. It just made me...sad.

Lexie as a coke addict:


This honestly didn't really phase me too much; in the real show Lexie Grey is Meredith's little half-sister, who is also a surgeon. They share the same dad, the dad who didn't really help to raise Meredith (because her mother didn't want him around), so instead remarried and had Lexie, and raised her. But yeah. In AU, Lexie was, instead of a surgeon, addicted to coke and God knows what other drugs, and was admitted to the hospital after ODing. Yeah, I felt really bad for her, because in AU her dad also wasn't a very decent dad, but in the end, it again didn't really phase me too much, because I don't like Lexie in the real show anyway.

Mercy West Hospital people being...alive, and all best-friendy and stuff:


That wasn't too bad, except for the whole April and Alex thing. In the real show, Mercy West is Seattle Grace's competing hospital, and in the fifth or sixth season, due to budget, the two had to merge. In AU, there was no merge, but a couple of the Mercy West doctors worked at Seattle Grace instead - April and Charles. At the end of the sixth season, the season finale was of a shooting that happened at Seattle Grace, and Charles got shot and died. But in AU he was still alive, which I liked because I always thought Charles looked like a big teddy bear. April is still alive in the real show, but to be honest she's kind of a pain in the ass. She's just kind of, there. But like I said before, I liked her in AU, until of course she helped Alex to cheat on Meredith.

The end:


At the end of the episode you could kind of see the relationships that exist in the real show start to play out; the Meredith / Cristina friendship forming over a surgery, and then the Derek / Meredith relationship forming while sitting at a bar. And mind you, these scenarios actually happened in the first season. I guess it was good...my friend and I were chatting not too long ago about the AU, and we came to the conclusion that the underlying theme was that you can't choose who you love. Who you love is who you love. Hence the Derek / Meredith relationship forming, the sexual tension between Callie and Arizona, and even the interesting two-minute interaction between Cristina and Owen. Long story short, I have never appreciated the actual show as much as I do right now. As much as I might have hated the writers for tearing apart my OTP, I now realize that they did it for the right reasons (*cries*). And this episode really wasn't all that bad, I liked and respected certain parts of it. Ah well. It's a fictional TV show, and I sometimes have a hard time coming to terms with that. No I'm just kidding, but still. This episode...and these pictures...

The actual season 8 cast: (L to R) April, Mark, Callie, Alex, Arizona, Lexie, Derek, Meredith, Richard, Cristina, Owen, Miranda, Avery, Teddy.

AU cast: (L to R) Addison, Derek, Callie, Owen, Miranda, Richard, Arizona.

AU cast: (L to R) Callie and Addison.

AU cast: (L to R) Meredith and Alex.

AU cast: (L to R) Addison and Derek. My OTP...sigh.

AU cast: (L to R) Callie and Owen.

AU cast: Addison and BABY.

AU cast: Ellis.

AU cast: (L to R) Miranda and Richard.

AU cast: (L to R) Avery, Charles, Cristina, Meredith, Alex, April.

C'est tout, les gens!

But on another note!


For those of you who forgot, today was Groundhog's Day! And did Punxsutawney Phil see his shadow, do you ask? Yes he did! So, we get six more weeks of winter. Don't believe me, just ask the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/groundhog-day-2012-punxsutawney-phil-shadow-means-6-more-weeks-of-winter/2012/02/02/gIQAriw2kQ_story.html

Told you. Now keep gathering your winter garments, says Phil.

Phil.

...Holy Mother. I want a pet groundhog.

And finally, today was also my good friend Haley's birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY HALEY! I love you and miss you tons, and hope Oregon State is still treating you well :) Also, I really just wanted to mention you in this post because I know that the subject matter of about 75% of it is just bound to make you roll your eyes at me ;) But enjoy being 20!

8th grade grad: Haley and me.

..............

~Erin

Gratituesday.

So for awhile I have been following this person on Twitter who does this thing every Tuesday called "Gratituesday" - get it, like Gratitude + Tuesday...yeah, I thought it was clever too - and she does it to help her keep a positive outlook on life. I really like it. Anyway, she mentioned it again today (obviously, because today is Tuesday), which gave me the idea of doing the same thing, but on my blog instead. Basically, on every Tuesday you just mention/talk about something you are grateful for, whether it be for something constant in your life, or for a little thing that just happened on that particular day. And I had to agree with this fellow Twitter-person, it does really seem like a really good way to help keep a positive outlook on life :) And thus begins my weekly "Gratituesday" list!

1. Jumpstart

This Tuesday, I am particularly grateful for my job with Jumpstart at FAME (First African Methodist-Episcopal Church) Preschool, allowing me to work with adorable (but sometimes rambunctious) 3-5 year olds. I first started working for Jumpstart at the beginning of the 2010-2011 school year (September), because honestly I really needed the money (the job had me working 10-12 hours per week, which was pretty good for a full-time student), and I had always known that I at least liked kids. I had no idea then just how attached I would eventually become, and how much I would grow to love kids. To give it a simple definition, Jumpstart is essentially a government-funded organization that allows for college students to come into a pre-approved preschool classroom, with kids generally from low-income or "disadvantaged" families if you will, twice a week and help them to better themselves in reading, writing, and developmental skills. Usually there will be four to five Jumpstart students per group, and there is one group per classroom. In my case currently, there are a total of four students (including me) who go in together. Actually, I think last year was the same as well...four students including me I mean. This is currently my second school year working with Jumpstart; last year I worked at a school called Tiny Tots, down in Renton, which was somewhat of a commute from downtown Seattle (especially when compared to FAME which is on Capitol Hill, about six blocks from where I live, also on Capitol Hill), but no matter.

Anyway, I thought listing Jumpstart as my very first "Gratituesday" entry was very appropriate. Like I said before, I had absolutely no idea just how much of an affect all of these little 3-5 year olds would have on me. Not only are they adorable, but they're just all so happy all the time, and believe it or not, I think they actually teach me more than I teach them. Yes, I may go through reading and writing exercises with them bi-weekly, but in the end it is them who show me how to be a better person, and how to treat others with respect, regardless of anything. Every time I walk into that classroom and see all of their little faces smiling up at me and then receive numerous hugs, all of the excess stress in my life just disappears, because for some reason it no longer matters. Even if I am stressed to the max, what with school and choir and everything, it all goes away once one little munchkin comes up to me and puts her head in my lap, or laughs with me (lately though with one of my four-year-olds, the cause of said laughter is from the constant tickle wars that go on between the two of us...she started it...).

This job has also taught me a lot about myself, and about the things I want later in life. I had never before in my life ever considered becoming a teacher, because I never thought I was really the "teaching" type. Although I think that thought could have come from this one time when I tutored a girl in high school for geometry, and she told me I wasn't doing a very good job...but hey, it wasn't my fault the girl couldn't figure out how to figure out the degree of the third angle of a triangle, when everyone and their mother knows that a triangle adds up to 180 degrees, and if the first two angles are given, then you just add them together and subtract from 180 to get the third angle, duh. Okay I'm getting off-track. What I meant to say is that working for Jumpstart has really allowed me to reconsider what I want to do with my life; granted, I still don't think about teaching very much, but now whenever I do, it's not quite as painful. Thanks to Jumpstart, I know just how much joy little kids give me, and I finally am able to understand that feeling of complete pride when you see your little four-year-old write his name for the first time. It's just great, and if any of you ever have the chance to work for a program as great as this one, go for it. Like Nike says, just do it. It's such an amazing and gratifying experience.

Happy "Gratituesday" people!

~Erin

P.S. Yes I do realize that this post is extremely ironic when in contrast to my previous one. Whatever.

Some things I just do not understand.

Judgmental people.

Close-minded people.

And Philosophy homework.

Yes, I realize that the last of these issues is minuscule compared to the other two, but still.

Basically, I saw this picture on my Facebook news feed the other day, and had to resist a very strong urge to break a door, or give this person a piece of my mind. So I'm just going to rant about it now, because this is my blog and I really need to get this out of my system. And for the record, no I am not going to advertise this post on Facebook just in case certain people find it controversial, or have an issue with it. If I offend someone reading this, I am truly very sorry, it wasn't my intention. I just want to talk for a little bit, and mind you, none of the examples I provide below refer to my life in any way, they're just examples. Anyway, here we go. The picture:

It's like, I get it, you're anti-abortion, and that's totally fine with me. Such is your right. But you do not, and I mean do NOT get to post something like this on Facebook and expect it to be okay. Yes, I understand that it is your Facebook page and you should be able to post what you want, but when you go about flaunting an issue such as this without providing an explanation behind your opinion, that's where I draw the line. You have absolutely no idea what people who have been put in the situation of needing/wanting an abortion have been through; you are a close-minded overly conservative Christian who has no idea what it's like for other people out there who maybe, oh I don't know, don't lead as charmed of a life as you. There are people out there who have been raped or violated, or who are just not ready to be parents and do not believe that they could safely bring a child into the world and raise them they way they deserve to be raised. In situations like the ones I just mentioned above, having an abortion should not be completely out of the question.

"No woman wants an abortion as she wants an ice cream cone or a Porsche. She wants an abortion as an animal caught in a trap wants to gnaw off its own leg." - Frederica Mathewes-Green



Here's a little scientific fact for you, just off the record: Until a fetus (yes fetus, not baby) reaches viability within a woman's uterus, what that woman does with her body is her decision.

"We really need to get over this love affair with the fetus and start worrying about the children." - Joycelyn Elders


"No woman can call herself free who does not own and control her body. No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether she will or will not be a mother." - Margaret Sanger


A nonviable fetus, I do not believe, is a life. Yes, I understand that many people probably feel differently on that issue. However, I also believe that one day, said nonviable fetus will become viable, become a life, and once it does, abortion should no longer be considered as an option. Any creature that is at the time capable of living outside of the mother's body should not be terminated; that is inhumane.


"The line between lawful and unlawful abortion will be marked by the fact of having sensation and being alive." - Aristotle


So, you who posted the picture, answer me this: would you rather someone have a child that they became pregnant with by a rape, or have a child that they were unable to raise in a stable environment, and then allow the child to suffer? What if that child were to spend it's entire life enduring pain, hunger, poverty, abuse, and again suffering? Does any human deserve to go through that kind of life? NO they do not. Abortion is not that black and white, and it does NOT MAKE SOMEONE A MURDERER.

"I have met thousands and thousands of pro-choice men and women. I have never met anyone who is pro-abortion." - Hillary Clinton


God, I get angry just contemplating that thought. No, I have not personally been in a situation where I have had to seriously consider an abortion, but I know that were I one of those people in the examples I previously mentioned, I would probably not keep it out of the question. And yes, for any of you who were curious, I am a Christian. I believe in God, I believe that babies are miracles, and I believe that each life created should be cherished and lived to the fullest. I am not, however, close-minded to the extent where I would judge and hiss at someone who does not feel as though they are capable of carrying and/or raising a child. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for many other Christians out there, for people like you. I just hope that one day people can learn to open their eyes.


"One method of destroying a concept is by diluting its meaning. Observe that by ascribing rights to the unborn, i.e., the nonliving, the anti-abortionists obliterate the rights of the living." - Ayn Rand


Sit with that, will you.

~Erin

Today is just one of those days.

Where everything is just off, and weird; where my mind just equals:

I think I've sort of hit that point in the term where the work (and everything else) just seems to be never-ending, literally. Let me give you an example: On MWF, I have both my Philosophy class and my French class, and on TTh, I have both work and my History class, (and keep in mind that a midst all of this there are also choir rehearsals on all of these days). So, the homework strategy that I came  up with in order to handle this, naturally, was to do work for Phil. and French on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and then the work for History on Mondays and Wednesdays. Of course, I left out Fridays, but who does homework on Fridays anyway? Ha. You would think that my genius little homework strategy would work, right? Wrong. As it turns out, assigning massive amounts of reading each day is all of my professors' favorite thing to do, and by massive I mean 50-100 pages a week. Thus, it would be wise to do little bits of it each night that you have to do it. Well, do I have time for that? Why no I do not. I am taking three classes that all focus on both reading and writing, and I sing in choir, and I have a job. I do not have time to just sit around and do homework all day. Gah. Yeah okay, I know this is college, but still...gah. But you know, sometimes I kind of wish I had time to sit around and do homework all day; I mean I would probably get bored after a while of not having any extra curricular activities, but honestly some days when I see my roommate (who I love to death, by the way, and I mean this in the most loving way possible) just settling down to take a nap when I'm running from choir rehearsal to work and then to class again, all the while trying to squeeze in food somewhere in there, I kind of just want to break a door.

In my mind, when I see her napping she's like this:

And then I'm like this:

But such is the life of a busy 19-year-old.

Today, however, was weird in the sense that again, my brain is doing weird things. I had to stay up extremely late last night (trust me, you don't want to know - let's just say the roosters woke up not long after I fell asleep), reading Descartes for Philosophy, so when it was actually time to get up later in the morning for the actual Philosophy class, I physically could not do it. My reaction: refer to previous picture. Long story short, I ended up emailing my prof. saying I had a headache and couldn't make it into class, because let's face it, with the little amount of sleep I got it wouldn't be long until one of my headaches settled in anyway. So right away my day was off to an "off" start. I ended up getting out of bed at around 10am (so that gave me around 6 hours of sleep) and made it out the door just in time for my French class. Now, that class is almost always amazing. I love my prof, and the other students in the class, but I don't know, I still didn't feel right being in there. It was kind of like I was there, but I wasn't really there. And no, that was not because of my overly tired-ness, or of my headache that did, as I had predicted, end up settling in. I just couldn't stop thinking about all of the things that I needed to do, and needed to finish either by tomorrow, or the next day, or the next month [and then I had to resist the urge not to have a panic attack]. Every so often I would stop and say something to my prof. just to show that I was still among the living, but that was not often. Basically the extent of my longest conversation with her was this:

Holly: "Et toi, Erin, ça va?

Erin: "Comme ci comme ça...je suis stressé..."

Holly: "Oh, pourquoi est-ce que tu es stressé?"

Erin: "PARCE QUE J'AI BEAUCOUP DE DEVOIRS ET PAS BEAUCOUP DE TEMPS POUR LE FAIRE."

Yes, it was incredibly enlightening; I didn't really yell at her though, in this case the caps lock merely stands for exasperation (which doesn't normally happen to me in French class...again, off). Oh, and then at some point during class, my deskmate and I held a conversation about who was more stressed, us or a politician. Don't ask me how that came up, but needless to say we came to the conclusion that we were more stressed. Then later in the day, right before the start of choir rehearsal, I was standing outside the door to the practice room and my Alto I section leader came up to me and started talking, but then stopped mid-sentence and said "Oh my gosh you are so falling asleep right now! Do you want to go home??" Apparently my eyelids were involuntarily drooping...but alas, I proceeded to say, "Noo, I have some stuff to do after this, so I couldn't really go to bed anyways..." But ugh how I wanted to. Not that I didn't want to rehearse, because I actually like a couple of the songs we're working on, but my bed sounded so inviting. Ah well. I had already missed my first class, no need to be too rebellious in one day. 

Once school was finally over, I seriously thought I was about to pass out, which I'm sure some of you are thinking was weird because my day actually doesn't sound too strenuous in writing. I think it was more a combination of the classes, the fact that I stayed up too late last night, and then the fact that I had (and still kind of have) a shit-ton of History reading to do for tomorrow, and stuff to do for work tomorrow. Oh, and then there's that other thing that I can't talk about yet, but will eventually. I would elaborate more, but let's just say for now that it's something I'm doing that's school-related, and involves an extra application, complete with some extra stuff that's extra stressful. Merrrrhhhhhgg. (I actually just made that sound out loud right now). 

And to end the day on a high note, I ran into a tree on my way home from the gym this evening; yes, I go to the gym because I am currently under the impression that running can help with my stress (...HA!). It was sure swell. Goodnight people. 

~Erin

Letting go.

It's one of the hardest things in the world to do, especially when you don't want to do it. It's one of those things that continuously pokes at both your head and your heart, never allowing you to decide which hurts the most. In your head, you know that the sensible thing to do is just to let go - to allow yourself to understand that whatever it is that you're holding onto, just isn't worth it anymore, that the pain just isn't worth it anymore. Your head is logical, and is the one part of your body that can always tell you what is the right thing to do. But your heart, your heart is the one part of your body that always seems to want to disagree. It tells you what you need, and that thing that you need may not always logical. In fact, it can be the most illogical thing in the world, but the fact is that you need it. In your heart, you still know that the sensible thing to do would be to just let go, but you also know that if you were to let go, you would never fully heal.

Lately, the issue of letting go has been plaguing me greatly, taking it's toll on my own head, and my own heart. And it's painful; it's so, so painful. It is, as I have mentioned in a previous post, my issue of caring too much, of putting too much of my heart and soul into a relationship that is clearly not reciprocated. I tell myself that the sensible thing to do is to just let go, to free myself of the constant empty feeling in my chest. But here's the thing, I really do not know if I'm strong enough. If I'm strong enough to just forget and move on. So here's a question for you people, how do you do it? Do you listen to your logical head, or your needy heart? Which one is better? Because if I listen to my logical head, I feel as though my heart will not agree. But if I listen to my needy heart, and allow myself to keep being swallowed up by memories, I feel as though I will certainly go crazy. And crazy is just, well...crazy.

And I don't have time to be crazy. I just want to be ok.


~Erin

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts


I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok


Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts


I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today