People plan and God laughs.
"Step one is the hardest and they say that about everything."
One night in early January of 2012 I was sitting up late doing homework or thinking or whatever. My roommates had both already gone to sleep and so it was just me, sitting on my bed in my room with my computer and only the white Christmas lights strung around the wall lighting up the room. It was like 2am some morning, and I think the day before I had just found out the number (and subject) of 300-level history electives offered at SU for the 2012-2013 school year. Or maybe I hadn't found out yet and I had just been thinking about history for awhile, I don't remember. Anyway, I was sitting up thinking about history and my education here at SU. I wasn't really complaining to myself but I couldn't really shake the feeling that something was missing in that education, especially within the history aspect of it, and that SU was not what I wanted.
"How does anyone know when to keep going and when to just let go?"
I wasn't being offered the specializations that I wanted with the classes offered, which mind you, only added up to about 10. I remembered a conversation I had had with my dad about two months prior when him and I went down to Stanford for the UO football game; he had said that were I not satisfied with my education at SU, then I could look elsewhere, and not necessarily the University of Oregon in Eugene. And I also remembered this really intense desire of mine (ever since I was about 13 or 14) to live in California. Now I'm not saying I'm basing my entire college education off of California, what I'm saying is that that just kind of helped me in the decision making process. I then decided that I would do it, I would apply for transfer to a university of similar size to SU, but to one that offered what I wanted, and one that I could see myself really falling into place at.
Thus began my journey of applying for transfer to both Loyola Marymount University and Occidental College, two small private (and in LMU's case, Jesuit like SU) universities in the LA area. It was kind of an interesting process because there was so much initial indecisiveness, like when I was going to tell my parents what I was planning on doing, and when I was going to tell my best friends and family, and hell, if I was even going to follow through with it. But I just told myself, no, you can't back out of this one. You need to go move forward, and find what you want out of an education, and be where you want to be...where you've spent lonely nights in high school dreaming of being. The first person I told about my little master plan was my best friend, Bre, because I needed to tell someone, and she is my someone. I remember lying on my back my dorm's common room couch and talking with her for what felt like hours, telling her of all my plans, while at the same time I think trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing by changing my life in such a manner. I remember Bre telling me that I should just go ahead and talk to my parents, because what's the worst that could happen? I had good, solid reasoning and at least she believed that what I was doing made some sort of sense. So the next night I set aside a solid two hours and decided to call my dad. Now normally with parental issues and what not I talk to my mom first (I don't know, maybe it's just a girl thing?), but when it comes to college, I think my dad and I are a little bit closer (with him having gone to like, Stanford and what not...) because he gets it. He gets the grueling process that is education, and he gets that sometimes it's completely and utterly amazing, and sometimes it sucks so bad you just wanna spit at something. When I called him I started off the conversation very sheepishly, kind of saying like "so you know that one time when we went to Stanford for the football game, and you told me if I wasn't happy with my education I could change it...?" And he said "yes..." and then I said "well...I was just thinking that maybe...it might be a good idea...ifIlookedintotransferringsomewhere." And he very rationally asked me two things. One, why. And two, where. And I said, "welltherearethesetwoschoolsthatIwaslookingintoandthinkwouldfitme." "Okay, well which schools?" "Loyola Marymount and Occidental."
As a whole, the conversation went rather smoothly. My dad remained very calm and understanding (at least on the outside), and we were actually able to formulate somewhat of a plan as to how we could make this happen (also on how to break the news to my mom). I was going to do the applications to the best of my ability and get everything I needed from professors and all of my official transcripts and what not, and we were going to give this a fair shot. The only thing was, we both agreed that keeping this change a secret from friends and family for as long as possible was for the better. First of all, I really didn't want any outside opinions or pressures shaping my decision on this. Also, I didn't want to have to be sad about the prospect of leaving my Seattle friends and Washington family until I absolutely knew that I was going to leave. I talked to my mom about it later on the same night; she was understanding as well, but was more concerned with the location of the schools, since she knew the type of education I would receive would still be a good one. Since I'd be living in LA, there would be less family nearby in case I needed something, and I would definitely not get to go home to Eugene as often as I do being in Seattle. But those were all issues that we would be able to address when and if I even got in to either school. So after my long night of phone calls, we were in this. I was in this, and I was not going to give up.
"...and nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life."
I think that, as hard as it was to fully admit to myself that I needed a change in my life and that I should be the one to initiate said change (initiating change has never really been my strong suit...I normally dread it), the application process was actually the most mentally taxing. It was literally like applying to college as a freshman all over again. There was the Common Application I had to complete (which luckily both schools used, so I only had to write one essay that ended up working for both applications), then each school had their own set of supplemental application essay questions, then there was the graded writing sample and my SAT scores that Oxy wanted, then there were all of the transcripts I needed to compile (and mind you, two sets of each): two Seattle University transcripts, two transcripts from the community college in Eugene where I got credit at from some high school classes, and then two Henry D. Sheldon High School transcripts (which I had to have mailed to me here in Seattle, and then I had to mail down myself). Okay, and then there were the letters of recommendation as well as College Official Report that I needed from my academic major advisor, as well as separate professors. I first went to my favorite history professor at SU, Prof. Tracey Pepper, and spilled my guts to her, so to speak. I told her how I wasn't entirely satisfied with my education in history, how the department didn't offer the European history specialties I wanted, and how I was just kind of generally like meh with my life. Surprisingly, she completely understood. Not that she hates her job or SU or anything, but apparently I was not the first student to come to her about this, and then tell her that they're leaving. She said that she would definitely be willing to help me, and that she would even bring up the issue to some of the heads of the history department at SU (which I later found out that she did...I so love that woman). The next person I went to was to my favorite French (and overall) professor at SU, Holly. I think with her I got kind of nervous because she gets kind of weird in one-on-one confrontational situations, but I still managed to tell her my whole story, and she still managed to agree to help me. I actually made her a Valentine's Day card a few weeks later in French and thanked her profusely. haha. The last person I went to was ironically the person I needed the most from, my academic advisor Paul. However, I was extremely nervous to see him, which leads me to another little sub-story. Bear with me.
You see, my initial plan for being at SU was that I was going to study abroad in France for winter and spring quarters of 2013, my junior year, with SU's French in France program. Paul is the one who runs said program. When I first made French one of my majors, I told him I'd be interested in the program and he said I had a good shot at getting in, so I should apply. Him and I talked a lot about FiF (French in France) and I told him I would be game for applying. So I did, and I turned in the application in mid-February. So, even though I was looking to transfer and leave SU, I still wanted to keep my options open and apply for a study abroad program, just in case LMU or Oxy didn't work out. At the time I applied in February, Paul did not know about my other plan to try and transfer. When I needed to talk to Paul about getting the College Official Report, it was after I had applied for FiF (so it was like early March), but before I found out if I got in to FiF. Since Paul was one of the people who decided who all got in the program, I was nervous that telling him I wanted to keep my options open and try to transfer would affect the way he viewed my FiF application, like he would just think that he shouldn't accept me because I might just transfer anyway. I didn't want my trying to transfer get in the way of what would happen if I decided to stay at SU. But, I had to put that fear behind me and buck up the courage to talk to him, because if I wanted this at all, it had to be done. When we talked, I brought it up as though going to LMU or Oxy was just to create more options for me. What I didn't say was that if I got in to either one, and both or one of them worked financially, I would be going there. They were my first choice, but I made it sound as though FiF was my first choice, for strategical purposes, you know. But I actually didn't even need to have done that, because Paul was so unbelievably understanding and kind (seriously, SU has some good people working for them) and he knew that both LMU and Oxy had solid history programs since his daughter had looked into both for school way back when. He agreed to help me. He agreed to do the College Official Report, and in the end he even added an extra letter of recommendation for me for Oxy, without me even knowing. So, so great. So I ended up sending one letter of recommendation from Prof. Pepper to LMU, and then three, from Prof. Pepper again, Holly, and then Paul, to Oxy. I essentially sent one more letter of rec. to each school than was required (LMU didn't require one, and Oxy only really needed two).
I finally finished both of the applications in early March. My best friend Andre and roommate Lauren (once I told them), as well as my dad helped a lot in editing the essays that basically ate up my entire February, and everyone who knew about my decision was just really supportive. I ended up telling my two roommates Lauren and Arielle one night in early March, when I decided that it would no longer be kind of me to keep it a secret from them. They were both okay with it, Lauren even said she wasn't surprised since she knew I was displeased with my department(s). It was nice to be able to be open about it in my own room finally, but there was now a certain sadness that made its way to my heart every time I thought about leaving. These girls were two of my best friends, and without them I would probably be very very lonely and I would not be who I am today, and I was thinking of leaving them. Just picking up and leaving them, and Andre, and all of my other friends in Seattle. They were okay with it though, and just kept telling me to follow my heart and my gut and do what I had to do. I submitted my applications in full on March 10, 2012, both five days before their due date. I had sent in all the transcripts and things that needed to be mailed about a week before, and I had told the community college in Eugene (LCC) to mail my transcripts themselves. I actually took the step and decided to change my life, and I had until anywhere between May 1st and 15th to wait and see what life had to offer.
"I want my life to change; I need my life to change."
Insert the waiting period, and life happened. Life kept on happening. Winter quarter finals week happened, spring break happened where I went and visited Bre in Stockton, and spring quarter began. I tried my best to just live, and not really think about anything; just let next fall remain a grey area. Well, about a week into April I found out I got accepted to do FiF (yay!) and Paul had noted in his email saying I got in that he remembered I was waiting on transfer apps., so I had until May 14th to let him know what I wanted to do. I figured I would have answers from both of my schools by then, so I agreed to wait until then to tell him anything.
"Getting to the end is supposed to be a surprise."
I got my first email notification from Oxy in mid-April. I mean the first real one, not just the "oh thank you for submitting your application we will get back to you in a little over a month now just sit back and relax and try to not fret over your fate." And I believe it said something along the lines of "we're sorry, but we cannot process your entire application yet because a certain part of it was not received." WHAT?! So I go to my online profile and it said that my College Official Report was never processed. There had to be some sort of mistake, because I specifically remembered talking to Paul about it and telling him the correct due date and what needed to be done. And he agreed to do it. I email Paul almost immediately after I got the email from Oxy, telling him that there just had to be some sort of mistake. I went to go see him in his office later that day and he had left, so I was basically left with nothing else to do. I had this what seemed to be huge problem with my application and I just had to sit back and wait until Paul responded to the email. He did eventually respond later that evening, saying that he "wanted to wait until I had been in his spring quarter class for a few weeks before doing anything." ASFSGLDHFLNH. The application was DUE on March 15th, BEFORE spring quarter started. I TOLD him that. There was no TIME to wait for me to be in his class for a little while. Gahhhhh.
"Life is hard. It's hard and scary and out of my control."
Eventually he sent the Official Report, and then threw in said letter that I didn't know about but was incredibly grateful for. My online profile with Oxy was set, it was complete. Now, I could go back to waiting. A few more weeks went by, and I went to a meeting about the FiF program. Well lo and behold guess who had been accepted to do the program with me? My fucking ex-roommate from freshman year who lived with Arielle and I for two quarters, aka. the girl who hated my guts for no particular reason, and who treated me like dirt and took enjoyment from it. Well fuck. Needless to say, that complicated things. But eventually I came to the realization that if I was going to let one girl ruin an entire six months in France for me, then what kind of person was I? We would hardly see each other outside of class, and we wouldn't be living together because we'd be living with host families. It was okay. I had to believe that FiF would still work out for me, because I still had no idea about my two other schools. As the weeks continued to pass, I continued to get more and more nervous. I had decided to tell my family in Olympia about my decision to leave if given the opportunity, and they expressed sadness about it, but were surprisingly more understanding about than I thought. I really didn't want to make my telling them a big deal, because it was the weekend when my cousin and her husband and baby were visiting, and I didn't want to drop any unnecessary bombs. I just wanted to come clean and tell the truth, so I took advantage of a weekend when we were all together in Olympia to say something. And surprisingly, I didn't die.
About three-ish days before I was supposed to hear back from LMU (I was to hear from them by May 1st), I decided to call them to check up on my application. When I called I was informed that I might not hear back from them until a little after May 1st because my application was "completed late." What the hell? It so was not. So I told the lady that, in somewhat kinder words. She basically told me that they "received a transcript late, from Lane Community College." Well....gah. That was the application I told the school to send themselves, and they sent it late. That's what happens when I don't take matters into my own control. Damn it. I told the lady it wasn't my fault, but she then said they couldn't give me priority over people who "turned in things on time." Oy. After that phone call I definitely made another one to my mom and just balled my eyes out (and I should mention that the fact that I found out I got a B- on my first theology paper on the same day did not help...). She told me to calm down and call LMU again the next day (a Friday) and see if I could get some proper answers and clear things up with a different admissions officer. I did, and he ended up telling me that it wasn't too big of a deal and that I would still hear back soon. Also he told me that it wouldn't affect the whole admissions decision as a whole. I felt slightly better but still had somewhat of an uneasy weekend.
May 1st came and went and I still had not heard back from either school. I had started to accept that maybe, for some perverse reason, I was meant to stay in Seattle. But then the morning of Friday May 4th came, a normal morning just like all the others. My roommate Arielle went off to her early morning nursing class, and Lauren and I had rolled out of bed at about 10 for our 11am classes. I stood at the mirror brushing my teeth, and okay as weird as this sounds I have a really weird habit of checking my emails on my phone while brushing my teeth, so while I'm looking on my Yahoo account, I see this email with the subject "This is Exciting News" from none other than Loyola Marymount University. I had been accepted. Me, one of 350 who had gotten in out of 1800 applicants. I then almost choked on my toothpaste, and made this really weird noise that sounded something like a rabid animal and shouted "LAUREN!!!" She runs out. I tell her. We get excited. I go to class completely unfocused and on cloud 9. I take a quiz in said class and uhh...we won't talk about that. I do well enough on all the others.
"It makes me feel like my life is changing."
The next week I still hadn't heard from Oxy but I did get the finalization on my financial aid package from LMU. Needless to say it was not good. They were going to charge me about $35,000 out of pocket per year (a lot more than I pay to go to SU) to go there, and after talking with the financial aid office, I was told that there was nothing I could do to change that. I essentially had everything I wanted right in front of me - the school, the location, the history program - but I had to say no to it. My dad and I talked a lot a lot about LMU before my coming to grips with having to say no, however. He said that I didn't need to rush into saying that, since I had until June 1st to tell them. Kind of ease myself into it. We also talked about what I was going to do now. It was May 10, I still hadn't heard from Oxy, and Paul's FiF deadline was approaching. What the hell was I going to do? I spent a lot of time in my head that next weekend, trying to accept what was in front of me and what was the most logical decision to make. I could consciously choose to stay at SU and try to initiate the change that I wanted with what I already had, and then go to France, or I could transfer back home to Oregon (but I didn't really think I wanted that). So I decided to stay in Seattle. It was what I had, and what I thought I had to do. I made a plan. I would quit choir and not go back next fall, to give myself more "me" time (change number one). I would not work for Jumpstart again and I would try out a new job (change number two). I would bust my ass to get into the one European history elective offered next fall quarter, a class on Tudor England with Dr. Theresa Earenfight (one of the best). And I would make the most of France. The following Monday (the 14th, the FiF deadline) I scheduled a meeting with Paul, and in the morning before class started I sat down with him, and told him that I accepted my spot in the FiF program, and that I should do it. It'll be a good experience (which I did think it would be). I think he kind of knew that I was settling, but was happy nonetheless. He immediately started telling me about all the ways that he would help me get the education that I wanted, and I was so so grateful to him for that. He told me he wanted me to do an independent study on the French Revolution over the summer, and that he would help me when I was in France too. He made me want to be excited about the prospect of having to create a change with what I already had. He wanted to help me. That night I sent out a long Facebook message to my family and told them of my decision to stay. It was the right thing to do. They were happy, and later my roommates were happy, and I, well I could get there. I had a plan. But still.
"How am I supposed to have faith in anything ever again?"
I think the most surprising, mind-boggling, exciting, scary, wonderful moment to happen after that decision came on the next Thursday morning, May 17, 2012. I had just come back from my 8am theology class (which by the way was the class I wrote my last blog in...haha) and was checking my school email. I had gotten a notification from Housing that I had a package at my dorm's front desk. Wondering what it could be since I didn't order anything, I went downstairs. What do you think it was? It was a large envelope with the sticker on the front: "Welcome to Oxy!" Oxy. I had completely forgotten about my second school, one because it was past May 15th when they were supposed to tell me by, and two because I was so concentrated on the fact that I had to stay in Seattle and make the most of it. I was so concentrated on my planning. I then run upstairs back to my room and repeat the similar rabid animal sound and yell out "LAUREN!!!" She's sitting on her bed and I immediately shove the envelope in her face. We open it together sitting on her bed. I read the letter. "Congratulations! I am delighted to invite you to join the Occidental community as a member of the transfer class entering in Fall 2012." Well great, but I'm not getting my hopes up. That ominous financial aid letter they sent in the envelope as well was still glaring at me from the end of the bed. Lauren tells me to just open it and then starts flipping through my welcome letters. I open it. I read. And read. One part tells me how much full tuition is going to cost with no aid, somewhere in the $50,000s. The other part tells me how much my package is going to total - how much aid they're going to give me. I read. They're going to give me over half my tuition's worth of financial aid. Thirty-eight thousand dollars. Thirty-eight thousand. I say that again because it doesn't seem to sink in the first time. Lauren and I calculated it out, and they offered me so much by the way of grants, scholarships, and loans, that I would actually be paying less to go to Oxy next year than I would were I to stay at SU. I then proceeded to call both of my parents as well as summon my best friend Andre to my room to kind of rehash everything and sort it all out. My parents were pretty much just as surprised as I was, so we talked it out and came to the conclusion that this could be a serious choice for me. Was this real life, or some sort of weird messed up prank? Did I actually just get offered my "dream" all over again, except this time with real possibility?
"I used to think I was in control of everything. Now, I think life happens and it's our job to just try to keep up, try to ride it out, try to survive."
However, there were still a couple of issues that remained ahead for me. One, I needed to deal with financial aid and make sure that I would be able to keep the need-based scholarship I received for more than just next year (which as it turns out I can so yay). And two, I needed to somehow take back my decision to do FiF next year. Unfortunately however, Paul, my advisor and current French professor, is currently in Morocco helping this year's FiF students go on their excursion (that's part of the program) for a couple of weeks. Thus, he is both unavailable to talk and/or email with me right now. So we might just have to wait a little while on that, and continue to ponder the many reactions that Paul might have when I break the news to him. Good or bad?
"It's not clear or easy anymore. I don't know if that's better or worse."
The weekend after I found out about Oxy, my mom came up to Seattle for a visit/to pack up some of my stuff here to take home to Eugene early, so move-out day in June isn't such a huge hassle. I ended up spending the night in her hotel room in Bellevue with her on that Saturday night, and to say we talked a lot about Oxy is probably an understatement. Even though nothing was said directly with regard to my wanting to go, I think she knew that going there was what I really wanted, and that I had made my choice.
So.
You are now looking at the newest member of the Occidental College Class of 2014.
After that long journey, I finally have it. I have what I want, and it's within my grasp. I seriously don't think I have ever experienced so many ups and downs in any other five-month span of my life. It was so crazy, going from only thinking and dreaming of this change, to actually having it and now being able to make something of it. The next steps that come will be a couple of things. I will apply for on-campus housing (Oxy wants students to live on-campus through their junior year), check out classes, and decide what I want to do with my life last year, aka. what jobs I want to look for (since they gave me work study, yay!), what extra curriculars I want to be involved in, etc etc. Right now I haven't given it a lot of logical thought yet, because I still need to figure out how much spare time I want to have outside of studying and going to class. I have however thought about rushing, probably more than anything else. For those of you who don't know Greek lingo, rushing means checking out and maybe later joining a sorority or fraternity. Oxy has a few sororities, all of which I have researched, and they actually look fairly decent. I never really thought of myself as the sorority type of person, but you never know. Things change...maybe. Ha. Right now at SU, I really don't have very much spare time. I live my life from day to day, appointment to appointment, work hour to work hour, and I really don't like it. So I guess I just want to try and get a little bit more time to figure out me, and what I want to do with my life. Yes I will have a job, but I want time to just, be. And to just enjoy.
I hope that by now you all are still reading. I just want to say thank you for bearing with me for this long, and for dealing with my rambles and insecurities and what not. But right now, just for this moment, I have everything I ever wanted. I can be happy, and anticipate all of the positive things in my life that are yet to come. It'll be sad and it'll be hard, leaving Seattle in a couple of weeks and saying goodbye to some really good friends. However, when you really think about it, it isn't really goodbye after all. It's more of a see you later than anything else, because I'll be back to visit, maybe next January since my winter break will be a few weeks longer into the month, and next May since my summer vacation will start about a month earlier (I suppose I should mention that Oxy is a semester school so that also means classes start at the end of August......woooot...). Oh and my roommate Arielle already said that I'm welcome to sleep on her couch next year so there you go.
I think the lesson you (and even I) should get out of this whole process is literally that people plan and God laughs. You can plan and plan and plan your life as much as you want, and in as many ways as you want, but in the end there really is no plan, because things happen when you least expect them to. Life works in mysterious ways; just when you think you should lose hope, something happens that can lift you up again. Now I don't want to get all religion-y on you people but I mean maybe if we just leave some (or most) of our lives in God's hands, everything will work out alright. You do what you can with what you have, and then just leave the rest to fate. There's no way the universe will be against you for everything, so don't lose hope.
"I can stop waiting...and just live."
~Erin
P.S. Oswald the Tiger is now my mascot. (
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