Hidden anger.

I know that after reading that title you're probably thinking this post will have a lot to do with your typical teenage emotional angst...sadly you are mistaken. I just really really need to vent, but it's not exactly going to be your typical vent. I plan to angrily (and ironically) vent about anger, and my apparent inability to express it properly.

It seems as though hidden anger is the only kind I am capable of possessing, you know, like when you are suddenly slammed with all of the feelings one would normally get when something makes them mad, but you can't do anything about it. Almost physically cannot. It's like this dam has suddenly set up shop in your vocal cords, and only allows out all of the things that other people want to hear, instead of how you're really feeling. And what you're really feeling, is anger. I guess for me I have always been afraid of hurting other people by my words, (which is again ironic because Lord knows I have done my fair share of hurting in the past, not intentionally mind you), because when I do it tends to be really impulsively and just not good. At all. And as weird as this is going to sound, I think I can attribute part of that fear to my being an only child; since I don't have any brothers or sisters, my friends are all I've got. And if I hurt them or make them feel bad in any way, they don't have any reason to love me any more. I mean with siblings, you pretty much have to love them no matter what, they're family, and I feel like with a lot of siblings there's gotta be some form of unconditional love going on, so if you hurt them, they'll always come back to you in the end. But I don't have that, and I never will. I don't have that one friend who's always going to love me, no matter what I do, or how badly I fuck something up. I mean I have amazing and wonderful friends who I love dearly, but if I ever say something terrible and can't take it back, who's to say I won't lose them forever? Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. What I mean is, I am afraid to hurt people, and when I do, I usually end up hurting and/or punishing myself twice as badly (and no not in the physical form, calm down). So I just try my very best to keep my mouth shut about any small (or big) issue that may arise between myself and someone close to me.

Believe me, there are times I am grateful for my little inability, like when I can bite my tongue about something that would get me into a great amount of trouble with someone of authority, like a teacher. But there are other times where I just wish I could scream, kick something, or just tell whoever angered me the eff off. Remember my last post, the survey? Yeah, well I mentioned in one of my answers that I was kind of raised to not be a very confrontational person; it is because of that that I have never once in my life told someone the eff off, or really like, confronted head on any conflicts that have been slammed in my face. Like, oh okay, story time. I've told a couple people this, but only in passing and not in a symbolic context like in this post. Anyway, when I was in middle school I played summer league ASA (club) softball for my dad. I played the summers after 6th, 7th, and 8th grades. I liked a lot of my teammates, but I did not like the sport. Seriously, I was the kid who would leave for the weekend tournament actually counting how many games was the max. we could play before we could go home. Not that I wanted the team to lose per se, I just needed some finite proof that an end was near. I was like the anti-stereotypical coach's kid. God. Okay, so at the end of the summer after 7th grade (sooo 2005 I think), we were at the Eugene Country Club pool for our end-of-season party. I remember the team was all sitting in a circle with my dad and the other coaches, and the parents were gathered around. One girl (I don't remember who) piped up that she wanted to play fall league ASA (a season that lasted like September/October ish), and then suddenly it was like a wave of teenage girl voices around me shouting "yeahhh let's play fall 'ball!" "oh my gosh that would be so fun can we can we can we???" My head was spinning...weren't we supposed to be done with the season?! So my dad asks for a show of hands as to who would want to play fall league. Naturally, everyone but me raised their hand (it seems my lack of confrontation also led to an early development of passive aggressiveness...); I could see my mom over in the distance, silently ordering me to RAISE MY HAND. I could actually hear her in my head. I don't actually remember if I ever did, but needless to say, my ass was thrown on a fall league team for September of 2005. Fuck. Was I pissed? Yes. Did I say anything? No. Did I want to say something? Of course. But, there was a conflict slammed in my face and I did the only thing I knew how, I gave into it without a fight, without telling my parents no, I didn't want to play. And who knows, if I had just gotten the guts to say something, maybe I could have saved myself from doing something I really didn't want to do...isn't that kind of how it works?

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I really wish I could face my anger and my conflicts head on, without just giving into them, or letting them control me and my thoughts. So it's basically this giant issue in my life of either saying what I think and feeling better (but possibly hurting other people), or holding it all in and constantly feeling like a teapot that's desperate to burst. Oy.

~Erin