I miss. And yes I mean to say that without a noun after it, because as an action, I am a person who misses, almost constantly. I am either missing some person or some thing, and right now that feeling and realization seems to be eating st me; the feeling and realization that I miss.
What on earth was I thinking, changing schools? Changing my life? Changing everything? Yeah, it felt good at the time, but now, I can't even think about the next few days because my friends will be leaving me, and I will be leaving them. There are a couple of handfuls of people here in Seattle that I am seriously going to struggle with not constantly having them in my life, and I'm not sure if I know how to handle those emotions right now. I am currently sitting in an empty classroom listening to a Disney classics playlist and writing my final theology paper (4 pages so far...yeah!) and trying my hardest to ignore the sad feelings that keep nagging at my brain. I am going to miss people here so much, and right now I am realizing that throughout this entire transferring process, I did not fully consider how much of a toll those feelings were going to take on me. It also does not help that I am sitting in said empty classroom with my best friends Lauren and Andre (and they think I am typing away furiously at my paper...ha), and I can't even seem to look up at them right now without wanting to cry and hug them to death at the same time. And even though they're two of my best friends, I think that might be a little weird right now...Also, I mentioned in my post yesterday that there would be a lot of lasts, particularly involving seeing certain people. Well, yesterday was also the last time I'll see my favorite French professor Holly for at least six months. And while I didn't have her as a teacher this spring quarter (so I didn't see her daily anyway), I had no idea how much I'm actually going to miss her, being away from Seattle. She has not only helped me quite a bit in figuring out who I am as a writer and French student, but she has also constantly provided me with a laugh or a smile whenever I needed one, like yesterday. You wanna know what one of the things she told me during our meeting yesterday was? She told me that I "revolutionized her hair." You wanna know why? Because wayyy back during last fall quarter when we went out to dinner as a class at this New Orleans themed restaurant, I had decided to straighten my hair for the occasion. She noticed then that my hair looked different from its normal curl she saw every day in class, so she asked me what I did to make it look that way. I told her I used a straightener, and she was like "a what...?" I then proceeded to tell her exactly what a straightener did, how to use it, and where to buy one at a decent price. Well, apparently she bought one because yesterday she told me that she occasionally straightens her hair to make it look nicer (!) It was so cute. I will really miss having her around.
Anyway, I am sorry for these late-night rambles, I just needed to release some feelings. I hate that I am leaving people, but in all honesty I am not really sorry I am leaving this university, because all I really have here are the couple of handfuls of people I mentioned earlier. And while I love them all to pieces, I need something more. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that in my heart of hearts I believe that the relationships I have with people here in Seattle are strong enough to handle me moving to LA next August, and not coming back. My best friends from high school have lasted until now, so why can't these others? I still love them as much as I did in high school, so why should these other relationships have to change? They don't, and that's what I have to keep telling myself. Distance is just that, distance. It does not get to define how much I value the people in my life. No, I will not allow it.
At the end of the week, I will shed some tears. That is a given, and I don't really see any way around it. But I just have to keep telling myself that everything will be okay and that my friends here will always be with me, if not in physical presence, then in my heart. I will hear their voices in every decision that I make, and in everything that I do. Andre will always be the voice in my head telling me to make good choices when I go out late at night. Lauren will always be the person I turn to with all of my petty and inconsequential problems and I will always hear her telling me what to do or telling me it'll be okay. Arielle will always be my fangirl and Tumblr buddy. Joe will always be the person I can make fun of shamelessly but still be good friends with. Shelby will always be the person I can make "your mom" jokes at and then receive glares from. And there are many many other examples I could give but I think if I do I will start to cry, so I'll let you use your imagination there. Oy. Basically I am currently dealing with a lot of feelings I did not take into consideration months ago when the only thing on my mind was getting the hell out of here. I went from this:
Admitted to Oxy!!! Have all the excitement!!!!
To this:
Admitted to Oxy? Have all the excitement?
In like a two day span. Or at least ever since this finals' week started. Puts a whole new meaning in the term "finals' week" doesn't it? Just call me bittersweet.
~Erin
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