Hidden anger.

I know that after reading that title you're probably thinking this post will have a lot to do with your typical teenage emotional angst...sadly you are mistaken. I just really really need to vent, but it's not exactly going to be your typical vent. I plan to angrily (and ironically) vent about anger, and my apparent inability to express it properly.

It seems as though hidden anger is the only kind I am capable of possessing, you know, like when you are suddenly slammed with all of the feelings one would normally get when something makes them mad, but you can't do anything about it. Almost physically cannot. It's like this dam has suddenly set up shop in your vocal cords, and only allows out all of the things that other people want to hear, instead of how you're really feeling. And what you're really feeling, is anger. I guess for me I have always been afraid of hurting other people by my words, (which is again ironic because Lord knows I have done my fair share of hurting in the past, not intentionally mind you), because when I do it tends to be really impulsively and just not good. At all. And as weird as this is going to sound, I think I can attribute part of that fear to my being an only child; since I don't have any brothers or sisters, my friends are all I've got. And if I hurt them or make them feel bad in any way, they don't have any reason to love me any more. I mean with siblings, you pretty much have to love them no matter what, they're family, and I feel like with a lot of siblings there's gotta be some form of unconditional love going on, so if you hurt them, they'll always come back to you in the end. But I don't have that, and I never will. I don't have that one friend who's always going to love me, no matter what I do, or how badly I fuck something up. I mean I have amazing and wonderful friends who I love dearly, but if I ever say something terrible and can't take it back, who's to say I won't lose them forever? Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. What I mean is, I am afraid to hurt people, and when I do, I usually end up hurting and/or punishing myself twice as badly (and no not in the physical form, calm down). So I just try my very best to keep my mouth shut about any small (or big) issue that may arise between myself and someone close to me.

Believe me, there are times I am grateful for my little inability, like when I can bite my tongue about something that would get me into a great amount of trouble with someone of authority, like a teacher. But there are other times where I just wish I could scream, kick something, or just tell whoever angered me the eff off. Remember my last post, the survey? Yeah, well I mentioned in one of my answers that I was kind of raised to not be a very confrontational person; it is because of that that I have never once in my life told someone the eff off, or really like, confronted head on any conflicts that have been slammed in my face. Like, oh okay, story time. I've told a couple people this, but only in passing and not in a symbolic context like in this post. Anyway, when I was in middle school I played summer league ASA (club) softball for my dad. I played the summers after 6th, 7th, and 8th grades. I liked a lot of my teammates, but I did not like the sport. Seriously, I was the kid who would leave for the weekend tournament actually counting how many games was the max. we could play before we could go home. Not that I wanted the team to lose per se, I just needed some finite proof that an end was near. I was like the anti-stereotypical coach's kid. God. Okay, so at the end of the summer after 7th grade (sooo 2005 I think), we were at the Eugene Country Club pool for our end-of-season party. I remember the team was all sitting in a circle with my dad and the other coaches, and the parents were gathered around. One girl (I don't remember who) piped up that she wanted to play fall league ASA (a season that lasted like September/October ish), and then suddenly it was like a wave of teenage girl voices around me shouting "yeahhh let's play fall 'ball!" "oh my gosh that would be so fun can we can we can we???" My head was spinning...weren't we supposed to be done with the season?! So my dad asks for a show of hands as to who would want to play fall league. Naturally, everyone but me raised their hand (it seems my lack of confrontation also led to an early development of passive aggressiveness...); I could see my mom over in the distance, silently ordering me to RAISE MY HAND. I could actually hear her in my head. I don't actually remember if I ever did, but needless to say, my ass was thrown on a fall league team for September of 2005. Fuck. Was I pissed? Yes. Did I say anything? No. Did I want to say something? Of course. But, there was a conflict slammed in my face and I did the only thing I knew how, I gave into it without a fight, without telling my parents no, I didn't want to play. And who knows, if I had just gotten the guts to say something, maybe I could have saved myself from doing something I really didn't want to do...isn't that kind of how it works?

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I really wish I could face my anger and my conflicts head on, without just giving into them, or letting them control me and my thoughts. So it's basically this giant issue in my life of either saying what I think and feeling better (but possibly hurting other people), or holding it all in and constantly feeling like a teapot that's desperate to burst. Oy.

~Erin

I never do surveys.

Today I am in a really unproductive mood. Why? I have no freaking idea. So what do I do when I am feeling unusually unproductive? I take pointless surveys that I find from other friends' blogs of course! Okay not really, but today just seems to be a really good day to take a survey, just for your viewing (and informational) pleasure. Yay! An fyi though, I might try to make the answers a little more in-depth, because this is still a blog after all...wouldn't want to lose my artistic effect. Anyway, I digress.

Survey time!

What is your worst fear? 
-Falling. Note: Not heights, just falling from them. I generally like standing on high surfaces...for example, I love going up in the Space Needle.

-Spiders. Those fuckers can die, preferably underneath my shoe or in my vacuum cleaner.

-Getting shot. As strange as that may be, I am constantly paranoid that one day some stranger on the street will come up behind me and shoot me in the head.

-Never being able to be in that place that makes me feel the most at home. I think I know where it is but whether or not I will be able to settle there is unclear. And that scares me.

-Losing any close family member. Let's just not think about that.

What do you often find yourself thinking about? 
-My junior year of college seems to be lurking around up there a lot lately.

Who is the most important person to you, and why?

-I really don't think I could narrow this down to just one person. There are so many people who have helped shape me to be the person I am today it's crazy. However if I were allowed to list an animal, I would have to say my cat, Sadie, who has been in my life since I was five years old. I mean, who can resist this face?

Is there anything you wish you could tell someone but can't? 
-Oh goodness yes, but I don't like to revisit old memories from my sophomore year of high school very often. That's my dark place. But I also have good things to say too, like certain I love you's to certain someones, but I can't really bring myself to say it.

What is your mood most often?
-Pretty good. Really depends on who I'm with though.

Who are the people/persons that can always make you happy?  
-My best friends in Seattle.

-My best friends from high school, Bre in particular.

-(Most of) my family.

What are your most wanted desires or dreams?  
-Right now, I am sort of at an in-between I guess you could say. I'm not really sure what I want to do with my life just yet, but I do know I want to do a lot of traveling and have a profession that involves helping others. A lawyer maybe. I also want to have a family, with three kids preferably. I've already thought up names. No rush on that one though...

Who do you hate/ strongly dislike the most?
-Umm I feel like that really should not be stated on the internet. Well actually, fuck it. I don't care if she sees; my ex-roommate from my freshman year of college. She seemed to take joy out of making my life hell.

Why do you hate/ strongly dislike them? 
-See above answer.

What do you do when you're extremely angry?  
-First, I always cry, but only if/when I can find a space to be alone in (only about five people have ever seen me seriously cry). I'm not really much of a yeller though, because I was kind of raised not to be super confrontational with others when I have an issue with them, therefore I haven't had a lot of practice with yelling at people.

What's the hardest thing you've had to go through in your life? 
-Sophomore year of high school, and basically everything that came with it.

Do you think you can completely trust anyone? 
-No.

What do you think of love and heartbreak?
-I think both are almost always unavoidable, the latter unfortunately.

What is your idea of complete happiness? 
-Finding that one place that makes you feel whole and completely at ease. I'm still looking for that. Oh, and having people in your life who you really love, and who really love you back, that's important too.

What really makes you angry?

-Ignorant people.

-People who tell you that certain things, like being gay or getting an abortion, will earn you a one-way ticket to hell. Those people can go to hell. Gah now I'm angry just thinking about that.

-Stupidity.

-People who are mean to others just to be mean.

-Bad drivers.

-When my laptop decides to stop working (first world problem).

Do you look up to any celebrity? If so, why? 
-Hmm...yep:

-Ellen Degeneres.

-Sandra Bullock.

-Kate Walsh.

-Oprah Winfrey.

-All of them do so much charity work and are always giving to and looking out for others. They inspire me to be a less selfish person.

What do you think awaits in your future? 
-Love, peace of mind.

Do you think the world is changing for the better or worst? 
-I actually agree with my friend's previous answer to this question. The world is sort of changing for the better, but also for the worse because of certain unavoidable conflicts. I think if everyone just kind of minded their own business (so to speak) in terms of how other countries chose to rule/live their lives, then there would be slightly more peace in the world. If that makes sense.

You have to live in your hometown for the rest of your life. Reaction?  
-There could be worse things to happen to me. I actually kind of like Eugene believe it or not, so long as I can vacation occasionally.

Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be truly happy? 
-Ha no.

If you knew you were to die in a month, what would you do with your time? 
-Withdraw from SU.

-Spend time with my best friends in Seattle.

-Spend time with family/in Eugene.

-Go back to Boston (there is a greater reason behind that).

-Go back to Disneyland. 

Do you think you make the best choices most of the time? 
-In my mind, I usually know what the right choice is for myself, but my issue is more of the consideration of what others would think if I made said choice. Unfortunately, that consideration usually shapes the decisions I ultimately make, regardless if they're what's best for me.

Have you ever told someone you care for them and been turned down? 

-Yup.

If you could do anything illegal and not get caught, what would it be?
-Get drunk without my pesky conscience flaring up.

-Speed.

Do you really say everything you want to all of the time? 

-Pffft no.

What is the one thing you want most out of life? 
-Happiness.

What is something people normally don't know about you? 

-My feelings get hurt pretty easily/I get attached to people way too easily.

-I have a creepy good memory.

-I do not like sports, and haven't for a long time.

-I have had my heart broken before.

-I only dislike about five foods.

If you're crying, what's most likely the reason? 
-Something someone said to me recently that hurt me.

-Old memories.

-I'm missing someone.

-I'm watching one of these movies: Titanic, My Girl, Stepmom, The Land Before Time, The Christmas Shoes.

Do you think you need to have friends? 
-Yes, yes, and yes. I don't know what I would do without my best friends.

Are you afraid of divorce? 
-No, I just hope it never has to happen to me. It always fucks with kid's lives one way or another.

What animal do you most relate to and why? 
-A bird I guess? I've always kind of wished I could fly from place to place just for the hell of it.

Do you believe all people are equal? 
-Yes.

Any guilty pleasures?  
-One Direction.
-Soap operas (rarely).

-Swedish Fish.

-Buttercream frosting (on something, not by itself...).

Is money important to you? 
-Yes, but I don't think it can define happiness.

If war spilled into your country, what would you do?  
-Attempt to move to Canada. Or France.

Do you believe in yourself? 
-For the most part, yes.

Are people generally good? 
-I think people believe they do what they do for what they believe are the right reasons, even if those reasons are wrong. If that makes sense.

Fin.

~Erin

P.S. I saw Titanic in 3D with my aunt yesterday, and oh my god, so incredible. That movie. I cried my eyes out several times, and now I can't stop listening to this. So many tears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wz1xA5kxVI&feature=fvsr

If it's meant to be, it'll happen.

Such is what I have been telling myself for the past, oh I don't even know how long. Don't even ask me why, but lately it just seems like everything in my life is so up in the air (for the first time), and it's a little bit unsettling. I mean yeah, I know that college is supposed to be this oh so amazing time in your life where you get to explore/try out new things and be whoever you want to be. In my case, supposed is the operative word. I have always, and I mean always been the kind of person who knew what she wanted, when she wanted it, and how she wanted it; it's comforting, to know (or at least have some idea of) where you're going to be living a year from now, or what you're going to be doing 10 years down the road. It's the "easy way," I guess you could say (hey, a rhyme...), and for all of my life, the "easy way" is the only way I've ever known.

But now, but now...the "easy way" seems to be slipping further and further away, and that's scary for me. It makes me feel like I'm not in control of my own life, and I really don't like that feeling. Then again, who really is in control of their own life at this age? I could say that I am, but then I think: Who is paying for the majority of my college? My parents. Who is in control of what goes on my transcript, essentially defining what kind of person I am inside the classroom? My professors. Who influences each and every decision I make in my life? My family. And who makes it impossible to get a remotely decent job anymore without a college degree? Society. So tell me, where do I fit into any of this. Sure, I am the one up studying all the late nights. I am the one who ultimately will make the decisions regarding my future, but are those the right ones? I guess these are the questions I have been asking myself lately. I actually have a confession to make, while we're on this topic and being totally honest here. You know how I worked in Yellowstone National Park last summer for a few months? Well while I was there I met a plethora of different people from all areas of the country (and world), some being college students like me, some being retired and looking for something exciting out of life, and some just these completely spontaneous, fun-loving people who were just looking to enjoy life and not worry about where they were going or how they were going to get there. They just lived. They didn't necessarily know where they were going to be sleeping a year from now, or where they would be 10 years down the road, and I was jealous of that. I was jealous of all of their spontaneity, and lack of fear. I wished I could be like them, not having to worry about being back in school in the fall, doing what everyone tells me to do. Does that make sense?

Oy. That was a lot of complaining back there, I am just realizing. Sorry. Wait no, I'm actually not...this is my blog and I will complain all I want to. Just kidding. But anyway, I wish this month would hurry up and be over with, I am tired of not knowing anything. I would like my future to be a colorful area, rather than a grey one. More specifically, something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbzJ0R9Q-h8
(I won't tell you the title of the link, you must go watch for yourselves ;))

Now is that too much to ask?!

~Erin

And now because I am feeling sentimental and I do in fact live in Seattle (or just the northwest in general), I am going to meet my hipster quota for the day and post a bunch of photos that reflect the way I'm feeling. Go me.

(Just for kicks because it's pretty)

Aaaaand I'm out.

April showers bring spring quarters. And Frenchie things.

Dang I am really getting bad at the whole keeping up a blog thing aren't I? Sheesh. I think I went from like 10ish posts per month to like...three. Wow. Where are my priorities? No, just kidding. But seriously, I am sorry, my life has just been hectic upon hectic recently, what with school, work, and choir back in full swing again. To make things fun, however, I will tell you that I am currently writing this post while sitting on a train, on my way home to Eugene for this coming Easter weekend. I probably won't finish the post before I get to Eugene though, because we just passed our stop at Albany (which those of you Oregonians would know is only about 30-40 miles north) and I don't think the ride will last too much longer since trains travel pretty quickly. HA, what a concept, since your typical train ride from Seattle to Eugene will take about 6 hours; quick my ass. Anyway, so I am starting this post on a train, and will most likely finish it in the comfort of my own room (complete with a large black dog sitting next to me, but that's just an assumption).

Hmm...let's see, what has been going on in my life lately that's of any interest? Well, I started my spring quarter classes. So far so good, I'd say, and for those of you who don't know, here's what I'm taking:

FREN 235 - French Language VI (Milan) MWF 10:55am-12:20pm
ENGL 120 - Literature, Music, and Social Change (Roth) MWF 2:00-3:30pm
THRS (Theology and Religious Studies) 201 - Catholic Traditions (Punsalan-Manlimos) TTh 8:00-10:05am
And then choirs. Duh.
And just for the record, I am taking a 100-level course for two reasons. 1. I was too lazy to get it out of the way last year (but not really it just didn't fit in my schedule), and 2. After taking a 300-level research seminar along with 200-level philosophy last quarter, this is a nice break.

Let's just reflect a little on this quarter so far, shall we. For starters, I got a new French professor, Paul Milan. For the last two quarters here at SU my professor has been Holly Waddell, aka. the greatest person you will ever meet. However, this term the French department decided to throw a monkey wrench into the works and not have her teach the level I am at this quarter, soooo I am taking the class with Paul instead. On a side note, Paul is also my academic advisor, since French is now my major...yeah, and I really miss Holly. Honestly, he is one of the nicest guys I have ever met, and a good professor. Even though I've only been in his class for two weeks, I feel like I have learned so much, not to mention a whole new style of retaining a foreign language. There are a lot of things that are different in his class, for instance instead of having large exams over each chapter in the textbook, like we did with Holly, we have little quizzes over small things within the chapters, like vocabulary, pronouns (which are a huge bitch, just by the way...), subjunctive verbs, verb tenses, etc etc etc. Granted it is less stressful not having those giant exams anymore, but it is also more stressful having little quizzes every other day, so I guess it actually balances out. Never mind, forget I said anything. It's a cool class; hard, but so rewarding. And yes, more on that later.

Engllish. Okay, let me just say that I have the most adorable professor in the world. She's in her mid-30s, and is super into music, (which I find very awesome since I am too), hence the title of the course, Literature, Music, and Social Change. Ha. Anyway, I guess what I like the most about her is that she talks to us more like we're her friends, instead of her students. And she always makes you feel really good about yourself when you have the courage to speak in class. Also, she has a four-year-old son who is ridiculously adorable, and she talks about him allllll the time. For those of you who know me, you would know that I love little kids to death, (...I work in a preschool for crying out loud...), so that is also pretty cool.
________________________________________________________________________

There marks the line between where I stopped writing (because I had to get off the train), and where I started writing again once I got to the comfort of my own room. Except there isn't actually a dog sitting beside me - she's pacing outside my parents' bedroom door. Anywho.

My English prof./class. Umm...I guess the only other exciting thing is that we only have one exam throughout the entire term. Yes that's right, one exam. asjdshgdfjn. You have no idea how happy that makes me; exams are my nemesis. Unless of course you count pop quizzes as exams, because she has a tendency to give us a lot of those (over the readings), but I mean they're not that hard so whatever. Finally, theology. I. LOVE. IT. Well, maybe not the subject matter so much as my amazing professor and just the class in general. No, okay the subject matter isn't that bad, it's basically what the title says, the study of Catholic traditions. You know, like the Eucharist, Baptism, etc etc. and also things like Catholic immigration from Europe and how that shaped religion throughout early America, and then how Protestantism came to be as a result of Catholicism. But just by the way, everything I just mentioned above about what we learn in that class we have to learn at 8:00 in the freaking morning, so regardless of how interesting it might be, it's about 15 times harder to retain since the class is so damn early. Surprisingly enough, I am not a morning person. Seriously, it's like the one trait my roommates and I don't have in common; they like to have their classes at the butt-crack of dawn, whereas I prefer to sleep 'til 11am and then take my sweet time in facing the day. But uhh yeah theology. It's great. And the professor, she's great (I really lucked out with teachers this term, minus Holly WAAAHHHH). She kind of reminds me of my roommate Arielle, except like 25 years older - bubbly, a liberal Catholic, and a little spunky :)

Okay, now onto the more Frenchie-type things. First off, let me just say that I GOT ACCEPTED INTO SEATTLE UNIVERSITY'S FRENCH IN FRANCE PROGRAM. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Sorry, had to get that off my chest; it's been sitting there for a few hours. No really. When I first found out I got in, I was sitting on the train I mentioned earlier in this post. I was just sitting in my seat, messing with my phone and minding my own business, when all the sudden I have this desire to check my SU email. So I did, and lo and behold there is an email from my French professor notifying me of my acceptance into the program. Well, being on public transportation, I had to hold in a lot of my excitement, so instead of completely freaking out and screaming and jumping up and down, I merely took out my excitement by posting an impulsive Facebook status and texting my best friends. Oh, and then I started shaking uncontrollably, due to the amount of adrenaline that was pulsing through my body, (I'll admit that part was a little freaky). So yeah, I got in, and if I decide to go, I will be living in Grenoble, France for the months of January through June of 2013. And for those of you unformed masses, here's a picture/article of the place:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grenoble

Woooo go Wikipedia! It should answer most of your questions. But right off the bat I'll tell you that it's about three hours southeast of Paris (closer to Italy and Switzerland), so no I won't be able to just go there on a whim. Ah well, France is France! It's still exciting. Now, I just have a choice to make. Is this SU French in France program how I want to spend my junior year of college? Of course getting to study abroad in France (or anywhere in Europe really) is incredibly exciting and I feel so blessed to have been chosen to participate in this program, but there are always lots of things to consider. And that's what I will do. Consider. But believe me, I won't forget how amazing this opportunity would be, no matter what.

Welp, that's about it. I guess if you want to know the more mundane aspects of my life, I could tell you that I now have a plant, named Herb (the creativity there ought to just sweep you off your feet...), thanks to the wonderful people who put on this year's Chapel Choir retreat:

Herb!

Aaaaaand I got a hair cut:

Note: This is the last time one of my head shots will ever end up on here. Gah. I am not photogenic at all.

Hmm...I have recently developed an obsession over The Hunger Games. Oh my gosh, so amazing. Seriously, if you have not read the book and/or seen the movie, READ IT. Or WATCH IT. I am currently reading the second book in the trilogy, Catching Fire, and so far so good on that one too. Katniss has become somewhat of my spirit animal, me thinks...tell me, is it weird that I kind of like that name? Like, I would consider naming my daughter Katniss, even though it's a plant. Ha. Anyway yeah, Catching Fire is technically supposed to be taking the back seat to all of the reading I have to do for lit and theology, but that's not really happening...whoops.

1

2 (The one I'm currently reading)

3

The entire trilogy in numerical order; READ ZEM! IN THAT ACCENT!

And then see this just for kicks, but read the books first like a decent human being. Just kidding!:

(Let me just say that the movie theatre I saw this in was AMAZING. The Cinerama in Seattle; if you're ever in town, go there! It's huuuuge, and the screen is huge, and it's pretty cheap considering how expensive movies are these days...the popcorn was only $3, AND IT WAS CHOCOLATE FLAVORED. You know, like caramel corn, only it was chocolate instead of caramel...)

Oh, and you should know that Skittles are my new best friend. I bought this giant ass bag on the train earlier, and now I can't stop eating them, which is bad because it's like 2am. Wow. BUT, I have lost four lbs, because I've developed this strange love of going to the gym several times a week and like, working out. And it's kind of working me. So, run, Erin, run! 

Run, Erin, run! To bed! Bye people :)

~Erin

P.S. I can't stop listening to this song: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYVm0qbWIZU
Going Under - Evanescence

What is this, angst-fest a la 2003? Nah, I just like the song. And by the way, I was going to post the YouTube link to it that had the music video, but it was freaking me the eff out, so I decided not to. You can watch that on your own terms. Ha.