One lesson turns into another.

God has a funny way of doing things sometimes. It's like one minute I think He's trying to teach me one lesson, and then I turn around and realize that instead it's something completely different. For example, that last blog post I wrote - about dealing with failure and no longer letting it define me? Well, of course the lesson I got out of writing that one was that a C+ is not as important as changing kids' lives (which is true), and it's ONE C, etc etc.

BUT, as of around 3pm yesterday afternoon, that lesson turned into a completely different one, and here's how.

I decided on a whim about a week ago that I actually DID want to go in and talk with the professor from that history class, and straight up ask him why my grade was what it was (because it honestly made no sense to me). I had originally decided not to make waves, because that's how I was raised and kind of how I am as a person; I don't like to intentionally go in anywhere and make waves, if you know what I mean. However, after letting this issue sit in my mind for quite a while, I realized that this was one time where I really really needed to take a stand.

I emailed him late one night, asking him A. if my C+ meant I had to retake the course, and B. if there was a time I could come in and speak with him this week about the grade. He replied with a:

"My office hours are posted on the dept. website."

Seriously, that was all he said. I read the response and was just like "well fine...jerk face." At that moment I just knew he was going to be a jerk at this meeting and was not going to listen to what I had to say. Of course, because I know everything...

A couple days ago, the morning of the meeting, I was so nervous I actually forgot to eat. Like, legitimately forgot. The last time that happened to me was during my senior year of high school when I was taking AP European History and therefore had exams just about every week. I'm not even sure why I was so nervous for this meeting...but if I had to guess I would go back to the whole "not being a confrontational person" thing; if you haven't noticed that's kind of my go-to excuse for everything. I was just so sure this guy was going to yell at me or say something to make me feel like a complete idiot...as if I didn't go through that enough when I was actually in his class last semester. Hmph.

Anyway, I spent that entire morning praying for patience, understanding, and strength. Over and over again. At one point I even bowed my head sitting at my desk at work, just mouthing the words "patience, understanding, and strength." Because you never know what's going to happen! 

Boy was that right.

When I got to the professor's office, naturally he wasn't there yet. I waited outside chewing on my fingernails for probably ten minutes (and it doesn't help that I just took the polish off last Monday so now I don't have to worry about accidentally ingesting nail polish when I'm nervously gnawing on my fingers...) and then he walked up, and the first thing he said was: "There she is!"

I looked around. Was he talking about me? What the fuck kind of greeting was that?!

He invited me inside, I sat down, he set down his (only slightly pretentious-looking) briefcase down before sitting across from me at his desk and asking me what it was I wanted to talk about.

"That freaking C+ grade you gave me last semester, you jerk face!" I wanted to shout, but of course I didn't...that would be extremely inappropriate. Instead I just told him about the grade and that I wanted to know exactly why I got it...aka. I wanted him to actually show me all the points I earned for his class. So he did.

And do you want to know what happened?

Huh?

Huh?

Do ya?

Do ya?

Do ya?

...is the suspense killing you yet?

It turns out my professor neglected to add THREE points of extra credit and FIVE points from an assignment he thought I had turned in an hour LATE but I had actually turned in two hours EARLY.

So long story short, I went from having 77 points in the class to 85 in just 20 minutes. 

My C+ is now a B+

But the (new) lesson is this: During this meeting with my professor, he actually told me that the lesson I should get out of this experience is to 

Not let anyone walk all over me.

Always question when something doesn't seem right.

Take a stand.

Be assertive...or aggressive...I can't remember which one he said.

Long story short, even though this "failure" didn't turn out to be such a failure after all, I learned that if something doesn't seem right or fair to me - like getting this C+ - I need to question it and be assertive in my belief that it isn't right. And that lesson on failure wasn't too bad either...God knows I'll be needing it later in life.

Wow...after writing all that out it actually seems kind of stupid, not gonna lie. You would think that "being assertive" or "taking a stand" wouldn't be that hard if something happened that truly bothered you...but for some reason for me it is, and it's been that way my whole life. I think - and this might sound a little like shrink talk to some of you, but hey I've been seeing shrinks for almost six years now so it wears off - somehow I have it instilled in my mind that if I make waves about anything then that automatically classifies me as a bad person, or that if I make waves about anything I'll get into trouble. 

I mean, that's kind of how it was when I was a kid, you know like if I made waves about wanting to go back to Mom's house because I missed her, when I was supposed to be at Dad's that weekend...stuff like that. It would just cause unnecessary tears and yelling or whatever and so now I just figure why cause any unnecessary tears or yelling or whatever? 

You would think there would come in a point in a person's life when they stop blaming shit they do now on crappy stuff that happened during their childhood and/or teenage years. Well, if any of y'all have reached that point please tell me your secret(s).

~Erin

P.S. In order to be more assertive and/or aggressive, this professor actually told me to purchase a pair of steel-toed boots and use them to kick people. Like actually. What.