You and your yellow jacket.

Lately it seems like every time I log in to Twitter and scroll through my news feed, I see someone posing the question:

What is it really like to serve with City Year? 

OR: 

What are your students really like?

OR (for those who are a little more uninformed about the demographics of Los Angeles):

Don't you ever get scared going to work in those kinds of neighborhoods?

I'd be lying too if I said I'd never gotten asked any of these questions more than once, and I'd be lying if I said they've never felt impossible to answer. BUT, after seeing the last round of blog posts by various City Year sites, AND after having just participated in a national Twitter panel (#askCY) about what it's really like to serve with City Year, I figured now would be a good time to give my two cents.

1. Your students will love you a lot more than you think they will.

I think personally this was the biggest thing for me. I had applied for City Year with most of my childcare/educational experience being with elementary or preschool kids, so naturally I desperately wanted to be placed in an elementary school working with 3rd graders. I was terrified of the idea of working with any kid old enough to have a personality that could tell them right off the bat not to like me. What I love most about little kids - or I guess what makes working with little kids so much easier (for me) - is the fact that they kind of love you on the spot. All you have to do is sit down next to them, read them a book or tell them a joke and it's like BAM heyyyy new best friend! But older kids...needless to say I was afraid an older kid would take one good look at me, eye me up and down, and then let out a curt screw you and your yellow jacket.

I had heard two different stories with respect to school placement.*

*Disclaimer: You don't find out which school you'll be working in until about the second week of basic training (so for me, August 4th, 2014). 

The first story I'd heard, the person said City Year would most likely place you in an environment where you've had the most experience, because that way you'd have a lot to bring to the table. The second, however, told me that City Year would most likely place you in an environment where you had the least experience, because that would force you to step out of your comfort zone, and you know what they say about comfort zones...life begins at the end of them, or something. SO, naturally I assumed I'd get placed in a high school, and I'd literally spent ALL of training preparing myself for that news. I was mentally preparing myself to get thrown into that place with all the kids who were old enough to take one good look at me and say screw you and your yellow jacket. 

Well, hahaha the joke ended up being entirely on me. Entirely. Because not only did I not get placed in an elementary school with all the little 3rd graders I'd been dreaming of, I didn't get placed in a high school either. No, I was to be in middle school with 6th graders!

John H. Liechty Middle School! Home of the Sharks!

This wasn't exactly my I'm-totally-uncomfortable-get-me-the-heck-out-of-here zone, but it wasn't my comfort zone either. Were 6th graders old enough to have personalities?? Did they hate people on the spot?? Had society messed them up yet?? 

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

On the flip side, I loved my new teammates almost immediately. They were all funny, quirky, and nobody really liked anyone more than the other. We all fit together, like that perfect sandwich that would taste horrible if you added one more ingredient, or took one away. At least that's how it felt to me at the time, and that eased my nerves. For those of you who don't know, I feed off of the vibes I get from other people; if I think someone's upset with me for any reason, I will shy away because I assume they don't want to speak to me. If people are sad or crying around me, I will cry too. So, if people are excited around me, you can probably guess how I'll be feeling. If my teammates were excited to meet/work with our kiddos, then by golly so was I!

Then I stepped back and reflected a little bit.

Erin, if you were really that scared of kids hating you then you wouldn't have even applied to City Year in the first place. Get a grip.

That was basically my thought process. 

Cut to the first day of class. All my kids were very, very shy around me, which when I look back at now I can't help but laugh. My kids, shy?? Nahhh. Anyway, they were shy, but so far none of them hated me. We were off to a good start.

Cut to last week. One of my brightest, most promising kiddos Johnny (name changed for privacy) was probably being the most obstinate I've ever seen him. I've sat with him while he wrote papers, I've heard him participate in class, I've made jokes with him, I've watched him go through his faux hawk phase...and here he was not listening to anyone, refusing to do any work, messing around with a couple other boys in class. I should probably mention that Johnny also struggles with peer pressure a lot more than some of my other kiddos. I got frustrated quickly, not necessarily because he was being so difficult, but because I've seen what he's capable of and it seemed like like he was choosing to be a pain. I used my strong voice not once, but about four times that day. I hate those days; those days where it feels like all I do is yell (note: it's typically not real yelling). 

As you could probably guess, I was not Johnny's favorite person that day. He glared at me, and did just about everything short of cursing me out (which - positive framing - I guess is a good thing since last summer I was so scared of that happening), and even still I didn't feel like he hated me, like I know basic training Erin would have felt. I've told this kid more than once that I see a lot of promise in him, that it's okay to be smart, and to stand out in a crowd, and every time I tell him these things, I swear I can see his eyes brighten ever so slightly. He gets it. Like I said, he's not stupid. 

And that's what keeps me from thinking he hates me; the idea that even though I may use strong voice and pull him out of the classroom if only to ask what the heck is going on with him, there's some part of him that knows I'm only doing it because I care about him, so so much...faux hawk and all.

2. There will be days when you're going to feel a little bit (or a lot) lonely.

The most ironic thing I've discovered about City Year is that I'm literally never alone, but there are days where I feel lonelier than I ever have in my life. To me, one of the toughest things about service is that there's always so much that needs to get done, whether it's writing student support maps (City Year lingo for goal-setting sheets), session plans, finishing a poster or art project, planning our after school program, or meeting with a partner teacher. Everyone is busy, all the time. We all have different students each with different needs and going through different walks of life. We all have different meetings and different situations at home and different plans for next year. 

My team talks about being there for each other, and I think 99 percent of the time we are. However, there's always going to be that 1 percent where you feel like you have absolutely no one in the world to talk to. And you don't. It's unavoidable. The key is to figure out how to dig yourself out of the hole that is that feeling, and put one foot in front of the other. Be kind to yourself. Go for a run. Go eat your favorite food. Call your grandma. Know that no matter how alone you feel, no matter how many friends you think you "lost" because you're so busy, people love you, and you love them.  

3. You'll spend a lot of time working with teachers employed by the school district, other educational non-profits, and City Year staff, and they'll change your life.

If there's one piece of advice I could give about partner teachers, it's always assume positive intent. They care about the students just as much, if not more, than you do. But when you're in charge of a class of 25 kids, well you get where I'm going with this. Individual attention can't always happen. Teaching is no walk in the park, and I tip my hat to every single teacher out there. I often see teachers at my middle school leaving at the same time if not later than my teammates and me. I hear stories about how they cried in class out of frustration because all they want is for their kids to succeed. My partner teacher has given up her lunch break to sit and talk with three boys who were messing around in class the period before. I could go on all day.

In fact - and I've told this to at least two dozen people already - a huge part of the reason I'm even serving with City Year is because of a teacher I had in high school, and how she inspired me to push myself as hard as I could in everything I did. She was there for me during a rough time in my life. She showed me she cared, and let me tell you, that can make all the difference in the world to a student. 

My partner teacher is one of the most kind-hearted women I've ever met. She uses strong voice because she cares. She doesn't crack a smile with our kids often, purely out of professionalism, but when she does the whole room lights up. 

We also have another educational non-profit in our school, called Communities in Schools, and it's such an incredible program. Each employee there also has a list of students they work with, and they plan field trips, holiday activities...this list could go on too. A good handful of my students are involved in CIS, and they rave about it. Not to mention, if we didn't work together I would probably consider one of their employees one of my closest friends (seriously, she was just in New Orleans for a conference and she got me a shot glass from there because she knew I collect them and I'd never been). She was there with me every step of the way last fall when something not-so-good happened to one of my students, who was also one of her students. I've sat at her desk for an hour before, just talking about life. Ugh. 

Lastly, the City Year staff never gets enough appreciation. And I'm not just saying this because you know, it's what you do, I really mean it. They always talk about how they're there for us if we ever need anything (networking, etc.), and it's so true. Like, I didn't even think I could make it in PR until I started working with the CYLA Communications staff. 

I guess where I'm going with this is City Year has introduced me to a lot of really genuine people, and challenges my somewhat-natural cynicism every single day.

4. You'll gain experience in many professional fields, not just teaching.

I didn't really know this at first either. No, I don't want to be a teacher, but I do like helping people/giving back to the community, and I do like kids, so that's kind of why I applied to City Year at first (along with the high school teacher I mentioned before). I had no idea that by joining the organization I would eventually realize my true calling - media/public relations. By joining City Year I've been able to create Instagram/other media pages for my team, understand what it means to use social media as a means of creating positive change, work with the awesome Communications team at the downtown office, and even create a social media initiative for my team that allows us to showcase our City Year experience both in and out of the classroom.

So much of what we do involves media relations, and you'd never guess that until you see it up close and personally. Through Twitter, I've been able to meet and talk with AmeriCorps members and City Year staff all over the world. I've gotten ideas for activities to do with my students. I've gotten to see what other teams across the country are doing to #makebetterhappen. There's so much support out there that it's actually a little overwhelming when I really think about it.

Essentially, City Year has helped me discover a passion I never knew I had inside me, and it has absolutely nothing to do with teaching.   

*shameless self promotion*

Please follow my team on Instagram! Our new initiative includes the hashtag #cythroughmyeyes, City Year Through My Eyes, and basically what we're doing is, like I said, showcasing our City Year experience both in and out of the classroom. Trust me, you don't want to miss it! :)



5. You'll become very protective of the neighborhood you're serving in.

Sure, we don't serve in the Pacific Palisades, but every neighborhood has its problems. Some may just be a little more visible than others. Yes, I have run into not-so-friendly characters. No, I do not go to work in fear for my life every day. Yes, I will get annoyed with you if you refer to the neighborhood I serve in as "the hood." Yes, I will get annoyed with you if you pretend to know anything about inner-city Los Angeles if you've never spent any real time there.

The name of the community where I serve is Westlake, and the majority of the population there is Central American (Guatemalan or El Salvadorian). My entire class, save for like two or three kids, is Guatemalan or Salvadorian (the other two are Mexican and the third is Albanian). Most were born in the US, but their parents immigrated. Central American culture is something I knew very little about before coming to City Year, and even still I have so much to learn. Many of the parents and people I've met are very kind and very, very hard working. Many still struggle to speak English, but I've realized that even if there is a language barrier between you and a parent, caring for a child has no language. If you make it clear that you're here to help, you care about their kid, and you care about their kid's success, whether you speak English or Spanish or Swahili or Mandarin doesn't really matter all too much.

One of my roommates serves in the Watts community, in south South Central LA, and there's another neighborhood that has a whole slew of stereotypes; gangs, gang violence, poverty, etc etc. But I think over the past seven months I've only heard Brooke complain about it once, and even then it wasn't really a complaint about the neighborhood per se, it was more a complaint about the extreme violence that can happen there, and how said violence often gets ignored.

These are entire communities of people that I hardly knew anything about, and my chest aches thinking that if I hadn't joined City Year, I would probably still be one of those people who drove down Wilshire Blvd., peered out the window at the abundance of "shady" people hanging out outside the Food4Less grocery store, and pushed down on the gas pedal a little harder.



6. Your students will teach you SO MUCH; anything from how to not care what anyone thinks of you, how to skateboard, to how to say dumba** in Spanish.

I think another thing my students have definitely taught me this year is to never ever give up. Never stop fighting. Even if it seems like life is crumbling around you, keep on keeping on. Keep going to school. Keep doing the best you can, even if the best you can is the bare minimum. And sometimes, if you keep trying, you'll improve three grade levels in reading. Every single day I'm proud of my little fighters. Every single day. 

Sure, I've learned lessons like the one above plenty of times from other people in my life; teachers, friends, family members, etc., but with my students...never has the lesson felt so real. 

7. Your teammates will become the 16 siblings you never had.

City Year: an experience you'll love, you'll dislike, you'll value, you'll question, but most of all you'll be inspired by.

~Erin

Wonderful and difficult.

Given that within the past (almost) six months I have struggle-bussed my way through several diverse classes, dealt with a few things in between, traveled near and far (within the United States, mind you), graduated from college, made plans for the summer, AND sort of maybe became somewhat of a nearly functional adult in the form of signing my first apartment lease in Los Angeles (yikes), I figure it's about time for another blog post.

First thing's first, HI EVERYBODY!

I never really know how to write about something that's both wonderful and difficult at the same time, because I can never think of a creative way to describe it...aside from both wonderful and difficult. If you hadn't already guessed, that's kind of how the past six months have been for me. 

I've learned so many lessons throughout 2014 it's kind of insane. To name a few:

1. Challenging yourself is a GOOD thing.

Last semester, I decided on a whim to, instead of register for the Spanish 101 (aka. easy A) class like everyone told me to do (because hey it's your senior spring enjoy yourself!!!!!!), register for a Narrative Journalism class. Journalism, as in the type of writing I have absolutely no experience in. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

For those of you who know me, you would also know that becoming a published novelist is my dream. Fictional writing is my favorite thing in the world, and the one thing I've always been good at, been given constant praise for, and can spend hours doing without ever getting bored. As of late it seems like stories are constantly churning in my mind; I meet someone and immediately I'm like, okay, how could I take your story and create something new out of it. 

Anyway, because I love (fictional) writing so much, it seemed like a good idea at the time to broaden my horizons and learn a new way to make words dance on a page, and to tell a story. 

In short, that class was the most unorganized, discouraging environment I had been in in a long time. The professor - an established journalist who, forgive me, was already pretty wealthy and seemed like he agreed to teach the course if only to earn an extra $6000 instead of actually motivate young, aspiring journalists - would consistently tell us we were "unworthy" whenever we had a guest speaker come in (typically someone from the LA Times or Playboy Magazine, etc.) to answer our questions. Assignments were extremely unorganized, and, to be blunt, it was a bit of a shit show. The final project for the class - a 1500-word profile on a person of our choice - was really the only thing the professor emphasized in terms of graded work. He graded us harshly on drafts, which I admit was a good thing - otherwise how would we improve? - but when I say harshly, I mean like C's and D's, even though a good chunk of us had never had any journalistic experience before. 

*SIGH*

Needless to say, I got the worst grade I've ever received in that class. HOWEVER, I was also exposed to a style of writing that does not come easily to me. After meeting with the subject of my profile and speaking with her for a few hours, I found that I couldn't just go home, sit at my computer, and write about her for hours and hours...at least not in the way this professor wanted me to. Could I make up a story about how, one morning she woke up ten minutes before the start of her first class, stumbled out the door and down the stairs of her apartment and tripped over one of her untied shoelaces as she brushed a strand of frizzy hair away from her face, forcefully pushing open the classroom door? Sure. Was that the truth? Not so much. (Actually I should probably mention that my subject got an award at the end of the term for never once being late to a class.............). 

Throughout this mess of a course I gained a certain level of respect for journalists - people who work for newspapers that expect them to produce a well-written article every week or every day, or people who work for magazines where they have to constantly be interviewing and then vomiting out responses and dialogue. 

Believe it or not, it's actually a super hard thing to do.

Of course, I also learned that I never want to have anything to do with journalism ever again. But now at least I can say I tried, and instead of just going for the easy A I confronted the unknown or whatever...at least that's what my friend said. Although she could have just said that to stop me from wigging out too much, you never know. And hey, at least I know who to thank first on my list of acknowledgements in my first novel - Professor Sipchen, thank you - so much - for teaching me the true meaning of failure and how to overcome it.

Anyone else want me to write a profile on them? Form an orderly queue, gents.

2. "Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

2014 has brought me some amazing new friends and allowed me to reconnect with certain people who I'm sorry I ever lost touch with in the first place, and for that I feel extremely grateful and fortunate. 

Growing up, I had always thought I knew the "true meaning of friendship" - who I wanted to be as a friend and the kinds of people I wanted to be friends with. Yet there was always a part of me that wanted to be a part of the "it" crowd; the "popular girls," or the girls who seemed to have their shit together 110 percent of the time. There was always a part of me that valued quantity over quality, and I think it's taken until around now for me to fully realize how wrong I was; quality is so much more important than quantity. Popularity means nothing if you don't wake up every morning happy with who you are, and walk through life treating everyone you meet with respect and feel respected in return.

2014 has also brought me the worst break-up of my life. A lot of tears, heartache, and hasty late-night messaging (read: fighting) back and forth. Who is this mystery man I've never spoken of, you may ask? Well, first of all it wasn't a man, and it wasn't a boyfriend. It was a girl; a best friend. I'll spare you all the gruesome details, but basically when you put together two people with completely different ideas of what friendship means, one person who abhors any and all forms of confrontation, and another who emotionally attaches themselves to anything with a pulse, you can pretty much guarantee it's going to end up a mess at some point. 

Needless to say, I'm not 100 percent innocent. I did and said some things that were completely out of character for me; she showed me her true colors, and I made some mistakes. But if I've learned anything throughout this debacle that ultimately lasted about four months, it's that your mistakes do not define you. Your character is not equal to your mistakes. Own up to them of course, but if people can't move on, if all they can do is tear you apart (in ten sentences or less) and bring up the same argument over and over again, they do not deserve to be in your life. You can't change the past; the only thing you can change is where you go from here, and what you do in your daily life. Apologize, ask what you can do to make it better, and if they refuse to answer, talk it out with you, or forgive you, that's no longer on you. Part of solving conflict is having the ability to put yourself in the other person's shoes and understand where they're coming from, and even if you don't understand why you're doing it, apologize anyway. 

For the longest time I had no idea how I was going to go on living without this friend in my life. What would I do if I couldn't hear her laugh every day, or message her secretly in the middle of class, whining about how much of a dick my professor was being? I needed her so much, but the feeling wasn't reciprocated, and that took quite a while to move past. 

Then one day I realized, I didn't need her anymore. I had moved on, and I didn't even know it.

She left my life just in time for more amazing people to enter it, and looking back, I don't think I would have as strong of friendships with these people if I had remained so emotionally invested in a relationship that was, in a way, destined for failure from the get go. I know that sounds really harsh and pessimistic, but I honestly don't know of another way to explain it. To my best friends, and every single positive influence in my life - it's you all who keep me out of my dark place. I get to thinking of all that I've lost, but it's because of you all that I'm able to pause, and realize just how much I've gained.

3. Take some risks.

One thing I've definitely done this year (both intentionally and unintentionally thanks to a spur of the moment conference in Indiana), is taken the time to travel. By the end of 2014, I will be able to count on at least two hands the number of places I went that I'd never been to before.

February: Indianapolis, Indiana

Western/Midwestern Greek Conference 2014

March: Northampton/Boston, Massachusetts
Spring Break 2014
Yeah I've already been to Boston before but who cares

Pauline looked good...I looked like I'd been traveling for 22 hours. Oh wait...

Back to Boston

First grad. school tour: MA in Publishing & Writing at Emerson College

May: Las Vegas, Nevada

Senior Week 2014, aka. the week leading up to graduation

The master bathroom of an MGM Grand Penthouse Suite. Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks it's super weird that there's a TV in there. As much as I love Castle, I don't really need to watch it while I pee.

$6.05. I had to brag.

Oh yeah and I'm sure most of you know this already, but just in case, here you go: 

WE'RE GOING TO EUROPE THIS SUMMER.

Yes, you read that correctly. I, Erin McKenzie Lashway, actively decided to no longer be a wuss, spend a portion of the money I've been saving up since I was about 14, and jet off to Europe for three weeks (June 22-July 11 to be exact) with my good friend Tori.

Of course, because I am somewhat of a pathetic slacker/procrastinator, the only real itinerary I have thus far is of our flights to and from Dublin, and then from London to Berlin, and then from Berlin back to Dublin again (so we can catch our flight back to good ole Murica). Oh, and our hostel is booked for the first night (the place even comes complete with free Wifi lol). All in all, the trip will probably look something like this:

But you never know. Adventure time yay!

(The only thing I'm not going to mention is that tours of the Harry Potter studios in London are completely sold out through July and I'm not going to mention it because I'm still super bitter thanks a lot universe and J.K. Rowling I thought we were best friends?!?!).

Honestly, this is just about the biggest risk I've ever taken in my life, and it's especially thanks to Tori that I'm even taking it. Not to mention Joy, my little German friend who's so graciously opened up her home to us for the five days we'll be over there. And then there's pretty much everyone else I talked to about it who said that now (aka. fresh out of college and sans husbands, kids, mortgages, jobs with little PTO, etc. etc.) is the very best time to take this risk. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not terrified nervous, but I just knew in my heart and in my gut that if I didn't take this risk, come next New Year's Eve I would be sitting on my aunt's couch, watching the ball drop, and hating myself. Sure, I have a little less money in the bank now, but I've been saving for so long, my student loans are on hold, and starting next month I'll have a full time job. So really, what was my excuse not to go?

4. Netflix does not help you pass classes.

Before you panic, I passed all my classes this semester (and graduated so whatever), but if you only knew how many shows I binge watched throughout the past six months you would probably want to slap me. Let's see, there's Switched at Birth, the Fosters, Breaking Bad, Orange is the New Black, Mom, Criminal Minds, Scandal, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, the West Wing, Fargo, Castle, Once Upon a Time...ugh the list goes on. Netflix is such a necessary evil it's crazy.


Anyway, I'm going to stop the list-y thing now before it starts getting dumb. Instead I'll just leave you with some more pictures some Oxy grad and post-Oxy grad adventures. Enjoy!

The Fray concert in Portland with Alicia.

Only the greatest nephew in the world.

Seattle University grad.

And thus is the semi-short story of the life of Erin over the past six months. And now, as I will be jetting off to Ireland in about 10 hours, I will see you all on the other side of the pond.

Peace and love,

~Erin